Massages, Part 2

You know those dreams you have where you’re naked in public? For me I’m usually taking a shower outside, and once I realize it I’m like, what the heck? Why am I out here? There are people right over there! Oh well. I’ll just pretend it’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

There are lots of theories for why we have dreams. The two most common theories are that dreams reveal unconscious conflicts and that dreams are just a by-product of neurons firing in our brain and mean absolutely nothing.

While I think both of these theories are sometimes true, I have a 3rd theory: sometimes dreams are dress rehearsals for our emotions to prepare us for unusual events. For example, it’s not often that we have an occasion to run for our lives from zombies. So dreams can be a useful way for end-of-the-world enthusiasts to prepare for the zombie apocalypse without inconveniencing the rest of us.

But what does this have to do with massages, you ask?

I had my massage today, and it did not go well. I drank a decaf coffee beforehand because I have GERD and I’m not supposed to have caffeine. Or chocolate.  Two of my most favorite things in the world. Usually I just have them anyway, but my acid reflux has been acting up lately so I behaved myself.

I went to the bathroom before my session because another one of my many annoying health problems is that sometimes I have to pee a lot. Like every 30 minutes or so. Especially if I’ve had coffee. But it was decaf today so I figured one pee should be sufficient.

But no. Apparently, there is something else in coffee that makes you have to pee, so I had to go badly during the massage. I kind of have mini panic attacks whenever I have to pee and cannot get to a restroom but I was determined to stay the course and finish my massage. So I tried all my psychological tricks to keep me focused, but to no avail; I wasn’t going to make it.

Unfortunately, the place where I get my massage has no restroom. They share a space with a real estate agency next door, and that’s where the restroom is. So once I gave in and told her I had to pee, she gave me a robe and I walked barefooted into the real estate agency and peed as fast as I could. Usually I don’t see anyone when I go in there but of course there was a woman at her desk with a clear view of me looking like I’m about to jump in the shower. Oh, and there were people in the front office of the massage place, too.

It felt very much like the naked in public dream.

After my massage they apologized for not having a restroom but at least they don’t have to pay for that space, ha ha ha! Whatever. Not a relaxing massage at all, obviously.

Luckily I’ve had some practice for publicly humiliating experiences so I decided to blog about it instead of curling up in a ball and hiding from the world.