Tag Archives: self-worth

Grace

Posted on April 22, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I’ve received a lot of comments from readers lately about being too hard on myself. Which is a little scary, because these comments were in response to posts where I purposely avoided criticizing myself. But perhaps people know me well enough by now to know what I’m thinking, even if I don’t say it out loud.

It’s hard to be honest about how these comments make me feel, because I don’t want to seem ungrateful. But if I’m afraid to say it, that probably means I should say it.

When I read comments that are meant to be supportive, I feel a little angry and defensive. I feel like I’m being told that I’m failing at self-improvement. The words forgiveness, self-compassion, and self-acceptance are in almost every single post, so it’s not like I don’t know that’s my problem; I’m just not getting better at them fast enough, apparently.

This morning as I was driving to work, I realized something about my reaction to these comments. I realized that they are hard to take in because it’s hard to take in love–love from others, love for myself, and love from God.

I have spent the last week in an email exchange with a loyal reader and friend who is trying to convince me that I don’t need to work so hard to earn God’s approval because God already loves me just as I am, in all of my glorious imperfection. I know that’s true for other people, but something in me resists believing that it’s true for me.

You would think it would be a relief to hear the thing that you most want to hear, but it often isn’t. You don’t want to let yourself off the hook. You don’t want to risk being too full of yourself. You might get complacent. You might become a sloth–which is a deadly sin.

That’s how the Inner Critic is for people like me. It’s like an abusive partner who does everything it can to make you feel bad about yourself as a way to keep you dependent on it. It uses the language of morality and turns it against you.

In therapy I address this part by telling clients that once they leave my office, the Inner Critic will try to undo all of the progress we have made. That perhaps it is even talking to them now while we are in session, telling them not to listen to me. It helps to let them know that I know all of its tricks.

I also tell clients that accepting love is a gift, and rejecting it hurts the giver. These clients are highly motivated to do good, so it is often eye-opening to reframe self-criticism as a form of rejecting others.

When I thought I could blog my way to self-acceptance, I assumed that sharing my vulnerabilities with the world would be sufficient. It helps, but it’s not enough. Without feedback from others, it’s still just me and the Inner Critic, duking it out.

In therapy, I tell clients that they are worthwhile as many times as it takes for them to believe it. Maybe that’s how blogging works, too. I will continue to write about what my demons say, and readers will keep telling me that I’m being too hard on myself, and I will get pissed off, but eventually I will believe them. Maybe one day the Inner Critic will lose its power to make me feel bad about myself.

Maybe God works through blogs, too.

Embarrassing Moments

Posted on April 6, 2014 by Christy Barongan

If you were ever to meet my tennis friends, I guarantee they would tell you about several embarrassing anecdotes involving me being loud and occasionally dangerous. But since you probably won’t meet them, I’ll out myself and tell you what they are.

The first thing they would tell you is that we have to keep going to new restaurants because I get us kicked out for being too loud. It all started when we were going to a Christmas concert and had dinner at a Chinese restaurant beforehand. We were getting ready to leave and I made a comment about why you shouldn’t have sex on the first date a little too loudly, and the owners were not pleased. Luckily, we were already on our way out, so I wasn’t officially kicked out, per se.

Later that evening, we went to Starbucks after the concert, and I swear I thought they closed at 11, but they said they close at 9 and asked us to leave. I’ve often been in restaurants where the staff give you dirty looks while they sweep and put the chairs on the tables, but I’ve never been told that we have to leave. Of course, my friends said that it was because I was being too loud again. Two establishments in one day. This sealed my reputation as someone who you don’t want to take to your favorite restaurant.

The next anecdote involved this Mexican restaurant we often go to after tennis. You know how sometimes the waiters and waitresses will sing Happy Birthday to you and give you a free dessert when it’s your birthday? Well at this place they like to startle you by popping a paper bag and smear whipped cream on your face instead. My friends were on a kick of saying it was someone’s birthday so they could watch this happen.

I had a couple of friends tip me off that I was their next victim, so when I heard the pop, I knew what was coming. When the waiters came toward me, I stood up so they couldn’t corner me. They tried to grab my arms so I couldn’t move, but I freed one hand and flipped the plate in the air. It flew across the room, about 10 feet away, and the plate shattered, whipped cream flying everywhere. Dead silence. The waiters were so shocked they just turned around and walked away.

Again, technically I did not get thrown out, but my friends used this incident against me, just the same.

The last anecdote involved a New Year’s party shortly after the Mexican restaurant fiasco. My friends were relating this incident to all of the people who did not have the pleasure of witnessing this spectacle first hand. I was trying to defend myself, explaining how the waiters were holding me down, and I demonstrated how I flipped the plate out of the waiter’s hand. Well wouldn’t you know I was wearing this heavy watch, and that sucker flew off my wrist and hit one of my friends square in the forehead. Hard. From about 12 feet away. It happened so fast he didn’t know what hit him until the watch fell in his lap.

My friends had a field day with that one. They joked that the he had 8:30 permanently tattooed on his forehead. He bandaged his head with a fake bump made out of a meatball to show how badly he was injured. Another friend filed a fake lawsuit against me on behalf of the injured party. And even though this happened over 6 years ago, they were talking about it last night while we were at the Mexican restaurant.

There was a time when I would have been mortified by anecdotes like these. I felt like everything about me was wrong, so I scrutinized every interaction after the fact to make sure I hadn’t offended anyone. But now I have friends who know that I’m loud and that if you try to hold me down I might assault you with a deadly watch. But they love me, anyway.

Still, if you ever meet me, you might want to choose your restaurant wisely.

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Posted in Relationships, Self-Acceptance and tagged friendship, judgment, self-criticism, self-worth, Tennis. Bookmark the permalink.

Be Productive! Or Not

Posted on March 12, 2014 by Christy Barongan

You know that saying you can never be too rich or too thin? I think they should add productive in there, too. Because as much as I would love to be richer and thinner, I judge myself the most harshly for not being productive. Which is weird, because I am the queen of productivity.

Even if I only have a few minutes to spare between clients, I have to do something. Write my progress note. Answer an email. Read a paragraph of an article. Check my blog stats. I can’t just sit there and wait for the person to show up. That would be wasting time.

I feel the same way about watching TV. I need to do something else at the same time–like knit, or make jewelry, or do something blog-related. Or I have to get up during every commercial break and do something useful, like pick out my clothes for the next day. Sometimes I’m so obsessed about what I’m going to do during the commercial that I can’t focus on what I’m watching. Even if it’s something I love, like a tennis match with Federer or a UVA basketball game.

This need to be productive makes it hard to cope with down time. Because of the nature of my job, I will have prolonged periods of stress followed by prolonged periods of having nothing to do. My drill sergeant will try to fill in the gap by making up a bunch of mandatory chores. Do some laundry! And then go to the gym! You’re wasting money on that membership! And figure out some way to make more money!

It makes my time off so depressing that I can’t get out of bed until I am propelled by shame because I’ve slept the day away. And then I cram in all of the things that the drill sergeant wanted me to do in a short period of time. Sort of like procrastinating until the night before the exam. Which I never did when I was in school, because that would have been unproductive.

This is another reason why I prefer the concept of self-worth over self-esteem. In order to have high self-esteem, you have to earn it. You have to accomplish something, or make money, or get in shape. This proves that you’re important. This justifies your existence.

And even when you are successful at being richer or thinner or more productive, it doesn’t really lead to high self-esteem like it’s supposed to. Because you didn’t do anything special. You just made up for what you should have been doing all along. You were underachieving before. So there are really no winners in this game of moving targets. Not for me, at least.

Today I saw 9 clients.The maximum number of clients that I can schedule in one day is 7. But today I had to squeeze in 2 emergencies. I was brain dead by the time I got home. So you know what I decided to do at 11 o’clock tonight? Finish this blog post on productivity. Which I started during my lunch break.

It’s always good to end the day with a little irony.

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Posted in Mental Health and tagged blogging, judgment, money, self-criticism, self-esteem, self-worth. Bookmark the permalink.

How to Save a Life

Posted on February 28, 2014 by Christy Barongan

A few years ago a client told me that I saved his life. Well, he didn’t tell me directly. He told my colleague when he was drunk at a gala. But he told her to tell me. Although I’m not sure he remembers doing so. Still, I was humbled by this. I knew therapy was important to him, but I didn’t think his life was in danger. But then again, even when clients are in therapy, they don’t always tell you the full story.

Once I had to cancel a session with this client and he stopped coming in for about a month. Apparently he got depressed because he felt like I had abandoned him. A professor contacted him because he had also stopped going to class. When he came back to therapy, he told me that his professor saved his life. That was the first time I really understood how much therapy means to some clients, even when they say they’re not sure they want to be there.

Last week I went to a threat assessment training, and the first case that the presenter discussed was a student who had to go to the police department because she told her roommate she was suicidal. While she was there, she asked for a piece of paper and a pen. She drew what appeared to be a bunch of random doodles. But later when they looked at the drawing, they saw that she had embedded the word help three times.

This, too, reminded me that people may say they don’t want help but their actions tell you otherwise.

Before I started blogging, I thought blogs were just another example of our narcissistic culture in that journaling, which is supposed to be a private experience, was turned into something that you shared with the world and everyone was free to comment. But now I realize that blogs can be a way for people who have never had a voice to connect with people like themselves.

My favorite blog is by Nelly N. She writes passionately and honestly about her struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder, among other things. She shares her most painful experiences so that other people who suffer in silence will realize that they are not alone. And it works.

A few days ago the student group that I advise had their annual eating disorder panel. It consists of students in recovery who are brave enough to share their story. On our campus, people with eating disorders are blamed and judged more harshly than any other disorder. Not surprisingly, no one wants to admit to having one publicly.

Every year, at least one student seeks treatment after attending the panel. And the next year, those students volunteer to speak on the panel so that they can help someone else who is alone with their eating disorder. Sometimes they use the opportunity to speak as motivation to get better.

We don’t have to be able to leap tall buildings to save someone’s life. Sometimes heroes are ordinary people who take action when someone needs help.

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Posted in Mental Health and tagged Anxiety, blame, blogging, courage, Depression, eating disorders, free will, judgment, Listening, Mental Health, mental illness, self-worth, therapy, vulnerability. Bookmark the permalink.

The Me Generation

Posted on February 18, 2014 by Christy Barongan

Everybody’s talking about the Me Generation–including me, because the students that I see in counseling are a product of this generation. These are the kids who have grown up in an era where no one keeps score in sports. Everybody is a winner, which is why everyone gets a trophy just for showing up.

These kids have also been told that they are special and brilliant and deserve great things, whether they’ve earned them or not. Some researchers argue that these messages are creating a narcissistic epidemic in which today’s youth are superficially connected, attention-seeking, vain, and materialistic.

And there is some evidence for these claims. After all, “selfie” was the 2013 word of the year. People can have hundreds of followers without doing anything particularly interesting. And the rising popularity of Twitter is evidence that every random thought that someone has throughout the day is newsworthy.

Perhaps it is because I am not a product of the Me Generation that I have been reluctant to participate in social media. I didn’t want to get caught up in competing over who has the most friends because I knew I would lose. And as much as I am interested in getting to know people, I don’t really care about when someone is going to the gym or what they had for dinner.

I also don’t like to have unauthorized pictures of me floating around in cyberspace because I’m afraid I’ll look fat in them. Plus I don’t know how to strike that pose that all the young people do that’s supposed to make you look more attractive. Because I don’t like pictures of myself, I’ve only posted about 3 selfies, and they were all with someone else. That’s more like a selfie+1. Which is not as narcissistic, if you ask me.

However, my blog has forced me to participate in social media, and I have to admit, it’s not all bad. Yes, it allows narcissists to have a bigger audience, but it also gives the introvert an opportunity to have a voice. And sometimes it can accelerate positive social change. Before, there might have been one person on the playground strong enough to stand up to a bully. Now, there can be millions of them.

Personally, social media has allowed me to stay in touch with people who I would have never heard from before FB. And I have connected with people through blogging who I would have never met otherwise. Plus, if Pope Francis can take a selfie, it can’t be that narcissistic.

Critics of the Me Generation claim that all of the unconditional acceptance that psychologists recommend is to blame for this narcissistic epidemic. I don’t think that’s accurate. In a previous post I talked about the difference between self-esteem and self-worth. Self-esteem is about accomplishments and self-worth is about inherent value. Focusing on trophies, appearance, and success are ways to instill inflated self-esteem, but not self-worth.

Instead of telling kids that they are all winners, we should be telling kids that they are still worthwhile, even when they lose. Even when they become old and gray. Even when their 15 minutes of fame are up.

Until that happens, we haven’t truly taught the next generation what it means to believe in themselves.

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Posted in Psychology, Self-Acceptance and tagged blogging, body image, Me Generation, narcissism, self-esteem, self-worth. Bookmark the permalink.

Listen Carefully

Posted on February 5, 2014 by Christy Barongan

Last night I gave a presentation to some students about how to provide support to those who have been affected by the accident last November. My advice is simple yet difficult to do: listen carefully.

Most of the time we’re too focused on ourselves to listen to what others are saying. We’re thinking about what we want to say, what we don’t want to say, whether the other person is listening to what we’re saying, what we’re going to do once this conversation ends. You get the idea.

As I got better at listening, I noticed that people put out feelers about important aspects of themselves, just to test the waters–to see if anyone notices.

Once I was watching my ex play in a basketball tournament, and I had to sit with a bunch of wives I didn’t know who were also watching their spouses play. I was having the usual conversation when I meet someone new. What do you do for a living? I’m a psychologist. Oh, I bet you’re psychoanalyzing me right now! Yup. I’ve got you all figured out.

This was not the response she expected. But she still asked more questions. Do you specialize in anything? Eating disorders, multicultural identity, positive psychology. Interesting! I had an eating disorder once.

Of course this got my attention. It was my turn to ask questions. At first I worried that she would be offended by my prying into her mental health history, but it was the exact opposite. She had never told her story to anyone. Back then no one talked about eating disorders. Bulimia wasn’t even a diagnosis. She wanted someone to hear what she went through.

This is always the response I get when I follow up on those feelers that people throw out there.

There’s nothing magical about being a good listener. Anyone can do it. The best way to get better at it is to pay closer attention to yourself. We spend so much time trying to will ourselves to think, feel, and do what we think we should think, feel, and do that we don’t really know ourselves. This is often what I do therapy: teach people how to observe themselves without judgment.

It’s not easy to do. It takes practice. This blog is one of the ways that I practice listening to myself, and you can see how hard it is for me to do so in a nonjudgmental way. But I am trying to treat myself the way I would treat anyone who I care about deeply, and I suggest that you do the same.

Because hopefully you are someone who you care about deeply.

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Posted in Mental Health and tagged blogging, body image, eating disorders, Listening, mental illness, self-care, self-compassion, self-criticism, self-worth, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Self-Worth

Posted on January 28, 2014 by Christy Barongan

For the first 35 years of my life, my self-esteem was primarily based on grades. I made good grades, so you would think that meant I had high self-esteem, but I didn’t. This is true of any external measure of worth: the positive feeling you get from an accomplishment is short-lived. But I didn’t know that at the time.

I remember when I was in my first year of grad school, another student had just defended his dissertation. He rented a limo and decorated it as though he had just gotten married and was driving around town, honking his horn. I thought that was a great idea and that I would do the same thing to celebrate once I got my Ph.D.

But that wasn’t what it was like at all. I thought that I would feel smarter or whole or something. Instead I felt…exactly the same. Maybe even worse. Because by this point, I realized that there was no goal I could accomplish that was going to make me feel better about myself. I had reached all my goals; there was nowhere else to go. So I got depressed instead.

These days I don’t talk about self-esteem at all in therapy. Instead I try to convince clients that they are inherently worthwhile, regardless of their accomplishments. This is a tough sell in our culture. Initially they say they don’t believe in inherent worth. They see themselves as a stock whose value rises and falls depending on their performance.

But like I said in my last post, for an agreeable person, I’m pretty good at arguing. And this is one of those arguments where I know I’m right. So I use whatever it takes to convince them of their worth.

Many of them do start to believe it, not so much because of my compelling arguments, but because I believe in them. Deep down we all know that we are inherently worthwhile; we just need someone to tell us that we can trust that part of ourselves.

So if you didn’t have anyone to tell you to trust that part of yourself before, you do now.