Sometimes stress management is stressful.
Apparently, it is possible to follow all of the guidelines for reducing your stress and still be so overwhelmed that you can barely function. In fact, if stress management were a course, it would be the kind where I was going to all of the classes and doing all of the homework and extra credit and still failing the tests. Which is a C for me, but still. All that work should be getting me an A.
I am still sick, which really pisses me off. It’s been almost two weeks now. I know that I cannot control how much rest my body needs to recuperate, but being exhausted is making it hard to do my job, play tennis, and enjoy life in general. Usually I am the kind of person who is singing Christmas carols in July, but right now the thought of getting out the 5 Christmas ornaments I was going to put up throws me into a panic and I can’t think about it.
And I know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to other people, but it makes me feel inadequate to think of all of those people out there who have spouses and kids in addition to jobs. And they probably cook dinner for their families and keep their homes clean and get all of their errands done, even when they’re sick. And they’re still better tennis players than me!
This is why therapists still need a therapist. Because even if you know the answers, it’s different when someone else says them to you. It’s different when someone else says It’s OK that you’re still sick. It’s not your fault. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a failure. I can say those things all day long to clients and mean it, but I can’t give myself permission to believe it.
It does help to keep a journal. That’s one way of gaining perspective. Sometimes I’ll look at entries where I was depressed and anxious and berating myself for not having a legitimate reason to feel this way–even though I tell clients that you don’t need to know the reason why for your feelings to be legitimate.
And then when I read about all the stuff that was going on at that point in my life, I think, what the? Why in the world did I think that going on vacation with my anxious mom and depressed dad and having my boyfriend’s ex-wife attempt suicide and leave him with custody of his ADHD son were not good enough reasons to be anxious and depressed?!
That’s another reason why it helps to talk to someone objective: sometimes you can’t see the reason, even if it’s obvious to everyone else.
I guess I’ve had unrealistic expectations about what stress management can accomplish. At some level I assumed that if I took all of the correct steps to manage my stress, then I would be stress-free, even though my life has never been stress-free. In fact, I seek out challenges because if something is too easy (i.e., not stressful), then it’s boring. I choose to work with people with psychological problems. I captain 5 tennis teams a year! Nobody does that when they’re trying to live a stress-free life.
So maybe I need to have another goal. I’ll have to think some more about what that goal should be. For now, maybe I can just have the goal of not beating myself up for being stressed out. That would definitely be a good start.
It's actually NOT okay that I still have an ear infection, and I suspect it really is my fault. And this — along with so many other pieces of evidence — shows how pitifully weak I really am. Add to that that I am the biggest failure in Queens (which really does kinda say something). But I don't care anymore.
Life can begin.
Darn, I thought I posted a comment and it disappeared. So, I'll try and do it again. When I get stressed, it show with a breakout of acne on my face. In fact, I noticed a big one on my chin this morning, so I guess I have been stressing over Brian's application to medical school and hoping for an acceptance. Anyway, decided, I needed to de-stress and made an appointment for a 90 minute massage on Sunday. Also, looking forward to a short visit with my good friends, Christy and Marie on Friday.
I had a massage today but I was in such a rush before and afterwards that it wasn't very relaxing, unfortunately.
Your going to have to present a more compelling argument than that if you want to claim that much culpability!
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Try #2. (I suck at this.)
Rather than continuing the futile fight against having blame assigned to me (either by others or, more likely, by my own little self), I am henceforth embracing the blame and guilt with a dramatic, though more than a little pathetic, “I don't even care at all anymore. See? See? Look over here. I'm not caring. Have you noticed yet? I'm not caring at all. Not the tiniest bit…..” Thus, I break free of the struggle. I am guilty, weak, and a big old failure, but….
I AM FREEEEEEEEEEE! 🙂
I guess that's a little better than beating yourself up. Although it's difficult for me to imagine how it's your fault that you have an ear infection. But then again, I'm not a physician.
Believe me, it's a whole heck of a lot easier to convince myself that the ear infection is my fault than to convince myself that it isn't. So, the path of least resistance and all that crucial stuff.
Well I'm not convinced that you're to blame. Hey, you know what you can do? Start a blog where you talk about your feelings so that you have complete strangers helping you fight your demons. I highly recommend it!
My level of stress actually accelerated after open heart surgery in January 13- I found myself with a much shorter fuse and depression. So back to the docs again and more meds and just trying to relax. I keep thinking maybe its the area I'm in so want to back home to Australia, kick america aside for now ( I am american) but I can't or remember being this sad over in Australia. The counseling seems to help, but I also think its unearthing a lot of old feelings too.
Australia does seem pretty laid back.