Tag Archives: inner critic

Mistakes

Posted on August 16, 2014 by Christy Barongan

You know how I hate making mistakes? Well I made a big one last week, and now my inner critic is in full force. I am having a hard time forgiving myself, so I thought I’d blog about it.

Intellectually, I know that everyone makes mistakes. But my inner critic tells me that everyone else is allowed to make mistakes. I, on the other hand, am on strict probation: one mistake will lead to dire consequences–failing, getting fired, going to hell, losing everyone’s respect, etc. I don’t know what I’ve done to warrant this zero tolerance for errors, but it must have been pretty bad.

I am trying to put things in perspective. I try to remind myself that, although some people could judge me harshly, God does not have a zero tolerance policy for errors. God knows that I am not perfect and does not hold me to the standards that my inner critic does.

I gave a sincere apology for my mistake. I didn’t lie, get defensive, or evade responsibility. I acknowledged what I did wrong and that I am aware of the consequences of my error. That I am committed to making amends. While this should move my transgression into the somewhat healthier guilt category, I am still feeling quite a bit of shame about it.

My inner critic wants to make sure that I am taking this seriously. That I am not one of those people who superficially apologizes without being genuinely sorry. That is one of my pet peeves, and I don’t want to be a hypocrite by doing the same thing. So I keep reminding myself that this is a big deal–which only serves to reactivate the cycle.

I am trying to call to mind all of the sage advice on forgiveness, perfectionism, and letting go. Advice that I, myself, have given to other people. It seems to help them. Why doesn’t it help me? Why am I not improving faster? I envy people who can read an inspirational quote on social media and feel better. People who are simply able to turn off the obsessive soundtrack of shame in their head. Or who listen to a different soundtrack altogether.

So I am also trying to remind myself to honor my own timetable. That self-improvement is not a race that I have to win. In fact, I’d settle for a participation award. I tell myself that at some point in the future, perhaps even later today, I will be able to put things in perspective. And if it takes longer than that, I’m talking to my therapist on Tuesday.

Luckily, tennis is on all day today, which I am hoping will be an effective distraction until I have my moment of clarity.

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Posted in Mental Health, Self-Acceptance, Spirituality and tagged Anxiety, apologies, blogging, forgiveness, God, guilt, inner critic, mistakes, obsessiveness, perfection, self-improvement, shame, Tennis, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Survival of the Fittest

Posted on August 4, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I’m reading Little Princes, by Conor Grennan, and it’s making me reflect on how poor my survival skills are.

It’s about this guy who decides to volunteer in an orphanage in Nepal for 3 months to justify taking a year off to blow his savings and travel around the world. He ends up doing a lot more than that–reunites the kids with their parents, opens his own orphanage–which is both impressive and a little daunting.

One of the very first things that Conor describes is eating daal bhat with his host family. It is a dish made of rice and lentils and is very spicy. He suffers through a lot more than just eating a spicy dish, but that was enough for me to conclude that I am not fit to save orphans in Nepal. My GERD alone would lead to starvation, because this is what they eat for 90% of their meals.

Last year I was reading On Gold Mountain, by Lisa See, and there was one paragraph describing how families who were riding out west in covered wagons did not stop to pick up their kids when they fell out because they needed to make it out there before winter. That’s the only thing I really remember from the book, even though it had very little to do with the story.

I had no idea that riding out west in a covered wagon was so dangerous. I always imagined that their biggest problem was entertaining themselves without movies and iPods and video games. I didn’t realize they had to fight for survival. If I were alive back then, I think someone would have “accidentally” knocked me out of the wagon, what with my allergies and asthma and all. What good could I possibly be in anything that required sustained cardiovascular effort, like killing wild animals or chopping firewood?

I guess I don’t have to volunteer in Nepal or be able to survive in a covered wagon, but these are the kinds of random things that my inner critic will use against me. The whole time I’m reading this book, it lectures me on how I should be tougher, stronger, and more altruistic like Conor. And I call myself a warrior. Puh! I don’t think so.

I am always having to demonstrate to my inner critic why my life is worthwhile. I’m a psychologist. That’s something. And I captain a bunch of tennis teams. People hate captaining, so that’s doing something helpful. And I’m writing this blog, which is also helping other people. Isn’t that enough to justify my existence?

I’d like to think that there are many ways to save the world. We aren’t all fit to rescue orphans. Maybe some people focus on saving whales. Others minimize their carbon footprint. And some help the survival of our species by having children and raising a family.

And some people dedicate their lives to helping people practice self-acceptance. To helping people realize that they are worthwhile, regardless of what they can or can’t do.

So take that, inner critic!

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Posted in Psychology, Self-Acceptance and tagged Conor Grennan, inner critic, Little Princes, self-worth, Tennis, therapy, warriorism. Bookmark the permalink.

Hiatus

Posted on August 1, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I have always prided myself on being open to love, even after heartbreak. I’ve met people who have closed off their hearts after being betrayed by their loved one, and while I don’t judge them for their decision, it is not how I want to live my life. This is also why, although I’ve had partners who have been dishonest, I still choose to start off a relationship trusting the other person.

A few weeks ago, my therapist suggested that I consider getting a cat. She thought it would help to combat my loneliness and to discharge negative energy. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am not an animal person, but I, too, have considered getting a cat. But after talking to my friends about it and imagining what it would be like to have a cat here in my darkest moments, I have decided against it. For now, at least.

I realized after this deliberation process that I am not in a place where I am ready to love, take care of, or lose anyone or anything. I am not necessarily closing off my heart, but I still feel too vulnerable, too raw to be open to love at the moment.

I don’t like the person I have been in relationships. In my most negative moments, my inner critic uses this against me as evidence that I deserve to be alone. I think it has more to do with the super-empath in me who identifies so much with how the other person feels, I cannot separate my wants and needs from theirs. I think that’s one of the reasons I convinced myself that I loved people who loved me; I became what they needed me to be.

As cliche as it sounds, I really don’t know who I am or what I want in a relationship. I am hoping that if I can be free from the wants and needs of others, I will eventually have a better sense of what my own wants and needs are. I have already been surprised by how much I enjoy my solitude–most of the time. How freeing it is not to have my mood be so tied to how my partner is feeling. My mood is all over the place as it is. I now realize how overwhelming it was when I felt everything for the two of us.

So I’m taking a long overdue hiatus from relationships. I am hoping this will lead to wiser decisions about matters of the heart. And if the hiatus ends up being longer than expected, I can always take my therapist’s advice and adopt a cat.

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Posted in Mental Health, Relationships and tagged empathy, honesty, inner critic, love, solitude, therapy, trust. Bookmark the permalink.

Guilt

Posted on July 27, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I talked to my therapist last week. She gave me permission to stop feeling guilty about my sleep cycle. Told me that I have no reason to get up early, so I don’t need to worry about it. That when I have to wake up, I will do so.

It helped some. Today I woke up early for a tennis clinic. But then I took a nap afterwards, which was well-deserved but still somewhat guilt-laden. But I’m writing a blog post now, to prove to my inner critic that I am not completely worthless.

Those quotes about letting go kind of annoy me. If guilt were something I could just let go of, I would have done so long ago. It’s like telling someone who is anorexic to just eat. Put food in your mouth. Chew. Swallow. What’s so hard about that? I envy those people who find it so easy to be free of their demons.

Therapists often ask clients what it is that they fear will happen if they let go. I guess I fear that without guilt, I really will become a terrible person. Someone who doesn’t care if she hurts other people. Someone who is not living her life with integrity. Maybe I’ll go too far in the other direction. I’ve done it before.

In Shame and Guilt, Tangeny and Dearing argue that guilt is a healthy emotion. It let’s you know that you have done something wrong and motivates you to make amends, correct it. When you feel shame, however, you don’t just feel like you’ve done something wrong; you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You are broken beyond repair. Shame leads people to lash out and project their faults onto others. Or to lie and hide, avoid life altogether.

I guess I am somewhere in-between, because I worry that there is something wrong with me, but I am motivated–determined, even–to become a better person.

My latest strategy for coping with guilt about the past is to tell myself that I don’t have to continue entertaining this memory. I can take it out of the rotation. Throw that record out. Or in more modern terms, remove it from the playlist. I have enough things to feel guilty about in the present without revisiting every mistake I’ve ever made in the past.

For whatever reason, it works. In part because I think it’s funny, imagining myself tossing all these record albums behind me. It doesn’t get rid of all of the guilt, but it creates some space in my head for more guilt-free thoughts. That’s something.

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Posted in Mental Health, Psychology and tagged blogging, eating disorders, guilt, inner critic, memory, self-worth, sleep, Tennis, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Being Neighborly

Posted on July 15, 2014 by Christy Barongan

Today was one of those tough, lonely days. Even when the day starts out slowly, I usually have tennis in the afternoon, which helps me to feel productive. But no tennis tonight because of the rain. So it was hard to will myself to wake up after a long nap when there was nothing to look forward to but errands.

I did finally manage to bribe myself to get up with kettle corn. (I ate all of it, so I’ll have to think of something else for tomorrow.) And I talked myself into walking to the mailbox to get some steps. I ran into some of my neighbors, who chastised me in a friendly way for not being social. Which made me feel like a terrible person, of course.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I don’t socialize with my neighbors as much as they would like me to. In addition to not being retired, playing tennis almost every day, and not having much in common with senior citizens, the truth is, I’ve never been very neighborly. I think it’s because I hate small talk. I avoid it at all costs.

To make matters worse, when I am home alone I am usually sleeping because it’s so unbearable to be awake when I have nothing to look forward to. I thought about telling my neighbors that. How I’m often too depressed to overcome my aversion to making small talk to be neighborly. That leaving the house to check my mail was a big step for me. But that seemed like TMI.

I know they genuinely want to get to know me and want me to feel welcomed, but I wanted to cry after talking to them. I felt like this was just one more thing I should be doing that I was failing at. Right up there with regulating my sleep cycle, adhering to my GERD diet, and getting 10,000 steps. I hate it that my inner critic turns everything into an opportunity to fail.

So I’m blogging about this incident to diminish my inner critic’s power to make me feel bad about myself. I’m doing the best I can do. There will always be more that I could be doing. I can only focus on my goals for today. I made it to my dentist appointment. I freaking walked to Kroger, which is a huge accomplishment (but sadly, only got me about 3,000 steps). And I am writing this blog post.

And I talked to my neighbors when I got my mail. Which wasn’t even on my list. So there!