Tag Archives: self-criticism

Fear of Sadness

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Christy Barongan

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Most people find it difficult to tolerate negative feelings like sadness. This task is even more difficult when you suffer from depression, because any time your sadness feels too intense or lasts too long, you worry that the depression is coming back. And if you’ve ever been depressed, you know how terrifying the prospect is of going back to that dark place.

Your loved ones also become hypersensitive to your sadness, which just exacerbates your fears. If you’re feeling down, they ask you if you’re taking your meds, or if maybe your meds need to be adjusted. Don’t get me wrong–I’m all for meds. I’ve tried to go off them several times, and each time I got depressed again. But it’s unfortunate that once you’ve been depressed, every feeling has to be scrutinized for potential pathology.

There’s also this added sense of failure associated with relapse. Like you should have been able to prevent it this time, since you’ve been there before. And even though you recovered before, you fear that if it happens again, you won’t be so lucky the next time.

And even if you do recover, you fear that the wait will be agony. I fear depression much more than anxiety because when I’m anxious I can take an Ativan and I feel better immediately. But antidepressants don’t work that way, so there’s not much I can do to feel better right away when I’m depressed.

Whenever I am afraid I’m becoming depressed, I journal about my fears, my sense of failure, and my pain. And when I look back at these entries, I realize how strong I am. There are a lot of things that suck about depression, but I have no doubt that it has made me a stronger person, even while it tries to convince me that I’m weak.

But how do I know when I’m sad versus depressed? To be honest, I don’t always know. Sometimes I feel depressed for a day. Sometimes I feel sad for what feels like an eternity. The line is not as clear-cut as we’d like to think. But regardless of whether it’s sadness or depression, the best I can do is to control what I can control. This includes therapy, meds, stress management, and self-care.

And most importantly, for me, it means practicing self-acceptance–of my sadness, my depression, and everything else that makes me who I am, for better or worse.

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Posted in Mental Health, Self-Acceptance and tagged Anxiety, blame, Depression, free will, Mental Health, mental illness, self-care, self-compassion, self-criticism, stress management, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Free Will

Posted on February 25, 2014 by Christy Barongan

When I was in college, one of my fellow psychology majors asked me if learning about psychological theories made me question whether we had free will. It did not. Although his question did make me read through the theories again, just to make sure I understood them correctly. But I was still convinced of my free will.

In my last post I used the example of an alcoholic father to illustrate how difficult it is to sort out blame and responsibility. If alcoholism is genetic, and his parents were alcoholics, and all of his friends drink, what chance does he have of living a sober life? How much of his behavior is in his control?

What if you have someone who is depressed with no family history of depression and no apparent cause, and she can’t get out of bed to make it to class. Is her depression real? Does she deserve to fail? What about if she refused to go to therapy and start meds?

I mentioned in my last post that these problems require forgiveness. We have to forgive ourselves for having the disorder. We may have to ask for forgiveness from people whom we have harmed. And we may have to forgive people who have added to our suffering.

When I’m depressed, I think everything is my fault. In the midst of an episode, I am angry at myself for not being able to function. I don’t think I have an excuse to be depressed. In those moments, it’s hard to forgive myself for not being able to control everything.

I also mentioned that there is always some part of the problem that we can take responsibility for. It may not be the alcoholic dad’s fault that he is prone to addiction, but he can join AA. He can stay away from friends who pressure him to drink. He can see a therapist.

I believe that knowing our limitations allows us to have more freedom. In my work, clients often try to convince other people that their suffering is real. I tell them that they have limited control over what other people think about their disorder. However, they don’t have to blame themselves. They can take control of what they can control.

Some people think that going to therapy is a sign of weakness. In reality, therapy increases your degrees of freedom. And I want to make sure I capitalize on all the freedom I can get.

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Posted in Mental Health, Psychology, Self-Acceptance and tagged addiction, alcoholism, blame, Depression, free will, Mental Health, mental illness, self-compassion, self-criticism, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Judgment

Posted on February 10, 2014 by Christy Barongan

There are certain personality types that are sensitive to being judged, and I have one of them. It takes very little criticism for me to feel ashamed that I have done something wrong. Sometimes I interpret neutral comments as criticism. And in some cases, I’ve even interpreted positive feedback as criticism.

Once my first husband was talking about a picture of Alicia Keys and commented on how she had big hips. I replied with, Are you calling me fat? Which really annoyed him. I kind of thought it was funny but true. Even if I get what is intended to be a compliment about having an athletic build, I take this to mean that I look fat. This is why it’s better to refrain from comments about women’s bodies in general.

Although I have never had an eating disorder, I can relate to being obsessed about my body. I also have a similar personality to the types of people who develop anorexia. I am prone to anxiety and depression. I am perfectionistic. I am highly motivated to avoid harming others, even if it means hurting myself. And I am so sensitive to criticism that I never forget a mistake.

This is why I am drawn to Buddhism–especially the practices of mindfulness and compassion. I find comfort in the idea of letting go of what I “should” be thinking, feeling, and doing. That I can accept whatever is true of myself at this point in time, without judgment or criticism–even if it’s something that I hope to change.

I often point out to clients when they are using judgment words to describe their feelings. For example, if you say I feel pathetic, the word pathetic is not a feeling. There is no emoticon for pathetic. Sometimes it’s actually hard to come up with a feeling word. Usually when you can’t think of one, you’re probably feeling ashamed.

Even when we’re successful in describing our feelings, we often get judged for them. For example, if I say I feel depressed, someone might say You shouldn’t feel that way. You should be happy because you have so much going for you. This is meant to make me feel better about myself, and perhaps it works for some people, but it never works for me.

Sometimes I have tried to point out to the person that they are judging me, but people who judge others are often sensitive to being judged. So they usually get defensive and say they were just trying to be helpful–that I’m being too sensitive. So then I judge myself for being too sensitive.

But I am all about controlling what I can control. Today, I realized that I can’t control whether someone else chooses to practice nonjudgmental acceptance of my feelings. I can only control what I say to myself.

I can also choose not to share my feelings with people who judge me. I think I’m going to start doing that, too.

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Posted in Mental Health, Self-Acceptance, Spirituality and tagged body image, Buddhism, eating disorders, judgment, Mental Health, mental illness, mindfulness, self-compassion, self-criticism, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Listen Carefully

Posted on February 5, 2014 by Christy Barongan

Last night I gave a presentation to some students about how to provide support to those who have been affected by the accident last November. My advice is simple yet difficult to do: listen carefully.

Most of the time we’re too focused on ourselves to listen to what others are saying. We’re thinking about what we want to say, what we don’t want to say, whether the other person is listening to what we’re saying, what we’re going to do once this conversation ends. You get the idea.

As I got better at listening, I noticed that people put out feelers about important aspects of themselves, just to test the waters–to see if anyone notices.

Once I was watching my ex play in a basketball tournament, and I had to sit with a bunch of wives I didn’t know who were also watching their spouses play. I was having the usual conversation when I meet someone new. What do you do for a living? I’m a psychologist. Oh, I bet you’re psychoanalyzing me right now! Yup. I’ve got you all figured out.

This was not the response she expected. But she still asked more questions. Do you specialize in anything? Eating disorders, multicultural identity, positive psychology. Interesting! I had an eating disorder once.

Of course this got my attention. It was my turn to ask questions. At first I worried that she would be offended by my prying into her mental health history, but it was the exact opposite. She had never told her story to anyone. Back then no one talked about eating disorders. Bulimia wasn’t even a diagnosis. She wanted someone to hear what she went through.

This is always the response I get when I follow up on those feelers that people throw out there.

There’s nothing magical about being a good listener. Anyone can do it. The best way to get better at it is to pay closer attention to yourself. We spend so much time trying to will ourselves to think, feel, and do what we think we should think, feel, and do that we don’t really know ourselves. This is often what I do therapy: teach people how to observe themselves without judgment.

It’s not easy to do. It takes practice. This blog is one of the ways that I practice listening to myself, and you can see how hard it is for me to do so in a nonjudgmental way. But I am trying to treat myself the way I would treat anyone who I care about deeply, and I suggest that you do the same.

Because hopefully you are someone who you care about deeply.

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Posted in Mental Health and tagged blogging, body image, eating disorders, Listening, mental illness, self-care, self-compassion, self-criticism, self-worth, therapy. Bookmark the permalink.

Night Owl Syndrome, Part 2

Posted on January 8, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I started this blog with a post about the stress of trying to regulate my sleep cycle. Particularly since it was the beginning of the year and I had been off for 3 months–plenty of time to revert to my more natural night owl state.

I am in the same predicament this week, except that my sleep cycle is even more out of whack than usual. In addition to the normal job stress and abrupt transition into having nothing to do at the end of the term, I was also dealing with the fallout from the student death and extended periods of loneliness and isolation. I fell into a pattern of going to bed at 4 am and waking up at 4 pm, with a few hours of wakefulness in between. And as usual, I was racked with guilt and self-loathing about this.

My dad and two of my brothers are also night owls. While my family was together over Christmas, my dad hardly slept at all, and when he did it was well past 2 am. One of my brothers went to bed around 6 am. The other brother woke up around 6 pm. Yet they did not appear to be racked with the same guilt and self-loathing as me.

Which is the reason why I originally started this blog. Accepting who I am, including my obsessive tendencies, problems with guilt, and wacky sleep schedule, takes continuous practice. If I neglect to do it, I fall prey to depression and anxiety.

And writing about how I was feeling during that period definitely helped. It was cathartic. It helped me to remember what I tell my clients. It provided me support, positive feedback, and extra angels. And some of the most depressing posts were among the most popular ones, so I know I’m not alone.

Perhaps I should start recommending blogging as an important component of self-care. Right up there with sleep, exercise, food, and mindfulness.

Last night I went to bed before 1 am without having to rely on extra Ativan. And I woke up at 7 am because I had a doctor’s appointment. That’s as close to a “normal” sleep cycle as it gets for me. So going back to work has been a good thing. Still, if I didn’t have to go back this week, I wouldn’t have.

Fortunately, sometimes you are forced to do things that are good for you, whether you want to or not.

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Posted in Mental Health, Self-Acceptance and tagged Anxiety, Depression, family, Mental Health, mental illness, normal, self-care, self-criticism, sleep, stress management. Bookmark the permalink.

In My Head

Posted on January 2, 2014 by Christy Barongan

So remember how I was talking about the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? I went to see it because I always liked the short story when I read it in high school. I could relate to someone who lived most of his life in his head.

All my life people have told me that I think too much. I thought that as I advanced in my education this would change. It didn’t. My classmates in grad school thought the same thing. My colleagues tell me the same thing. Not as a criticism–just that they’re surprised that I have so much time to think.

The reason why I can’t fall asleep is because I can’t turn off my brain. I started that New Year’s post at 4 a.m., despite my best efforts to talk myself into waiting until I woke up. That I could get up early like a normal person, which would have been a few hours from then, so I wouldn’t even have to wait that long. But no. My brain wanted to write the post right that minute. I was pissed off at it, but what can I do? My brain has a mind of it’s own.

As soon as I wake up in the morning I want to talk to someone. That’s one of the hardest things about being alone. It’s not like you can just call your friends as soon as you wake up and say, hey stop what you’re doing. I want to tell you about this weird dream I had last night. Granted, it would be in the afternoon, but still. They have spouses and children and jobs. They don’t have time to listen to my dreams and random associations.

Often when I’m walking around the mall or the grocery store or even just turning a corner, I run into someone because I’m oblivious of my surroundings. I actually have to remind myself that someone might be on the other side of the door so that I don’t freak out.

Remember that whole Waco siege that went on for 2 months back in 1993? I was in grad school at the time and I had no idea it was happening because I spent my free time watching reruns of the Flintstones and Gilligan’s Island. After the attack my classmates were talking about it and I was like, what’s going on in Waco? They were appalled and I was humiliated.

So I force myself to watch the news occasionally so if something happens like a typhoon hits the Philippines or the government shuts down, I’ll know what people are talking about.

But you know what? Blogging is actually a really good thing for people who think too much. Even if I have to wake up and pee in the middle of the night and decide to check my stats, that’s kind of crazy, but you sort of have to be obsessive about your blog if you want it to succeed. And writers are always coming up with subject matter at random times because they’re constantly thinking about writing.

So that’s why I’m writing this blog so early in the morning. Now maybe my brain will let me go back to sleep.

I think this doodle kind of looks like a brain.

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Posted in Self-Acceptance and tagged blogging, judgment, Mental Health, normal, self-criticism, self-esteem, solitude. Bookmark the permalink.

Perfectionism

Posted on November 30, 2013 by Christy Barongan

I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. I don’t think I can ever be cured of it, but I do what I can to keep this part from causing me unnecessary suffering.

Perfectionists come in many varieties. I am not the type that is meticulous about my appearance or my house. I don’t spend hours on assignments or projects trying to get everything just right. I am more of the variety that cannot tolerate failing, being terrible at something, or making a mistake.

I was one of those annoying students who thought that a C was failing. I didn’t get many of them, but when I did I cried hysterically to my professor, begging for some way to redeem myself. To this day, I think back on the one C I got in college and think, wow I wonder how my life would have been different if had I at least gotten a B in Anthropology. And then the voice of reality kicks in and reminds me that it wouldn’t have made any difference.

It’s hard for me to do something I’m terrible at. I once went bowling and played two games. In the first game I scored a 16 and in the second one I scored a 31. I’m pretty sure that most 5 year olds could score better than that. And I’m sure that with practice I could improve my average. But the thought of doing something where I am at risk of embarrassing myself is too anxiety-provoking, and it’s easier to choose something that I’m good at like tennis.

Making a mistake–particularly one where I am chastised for doing something wrong–is the hardest of all. As I indicated in a previous post, criticism sends me into a spiral of anxiety, self-doubt, and shame that far exceeds what might ordinarily be expected from the actual remark, which might be something as innocuous as “I thought that ball was in.” I never forget a mistake, and I try never to make the same mistake twice.

Blogging has been an opportunity to practice something that I do well–writing and talking about myself–along with something where I have no idea what I’m doing—promoting my blog. While the writing part is going surprisingly well, the promoting part is a constant source of stress.

For example, I did not realize that publishing multiple posts in a community in a short period of time constitutes spam, and when you do this the administer of the site will remove your posts. Which means I broke the rules and have been punished accordingly. Now I’m terrified of doing anything out of fear that I may unknowingly further violate protocol.

So I’ve decided to take a break from promotion and write a blog post instead. This is the part I really like, anyway. And I’m trying to remind myself that it is OK to make mistakes. That no one knows what they’re doing before they do it. That it doesn’t make me a bad person. That I don’t have to be perfect.

And then I took an Ativan, because that’s what my psychiatrist told me to do when I’m having an anxiety attack.

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Posted in Mental Health, Self-Acceptance and tagged blogging, internal family, Mental Health, perfection, self-criticism, Tennis, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

The Inner Critic

Posted on November 25, 2013 by Christy Barongan

While I spend a lot of my time with the drill sergeant, the inner critic is my constant companion. The two of them are great friends and they often like to show up together: the drill sergeant will tell me what I should be doing, and the inner critic will give a running commentary of what a terrible job I’m doing.

Take this morning, for example. I finally felt well enough to get out of bed and eat, so I was looking forward to making some coffee and oatmeal. I even had enough energy last night to do the dishes. One of the dishes was that plate that goes in the microwave that lets the food rotate while it cooks.
So I was putting that plate back in the microwave, and I guess I must have hit the front glass on the door because the entire glass panel shattered, spraying shards everywhere.

The inner critic had a field day with this. Look at what you’ve done! You’re so uncoordinated, you can’t even put the plate in the microwave without destroying the whole thing. Now you have to clean up all the glass and you better make sure there isn’t a single shard anywhere. And now you’re going to have to buy a new microwave so don’t think that you have any spending money this month.

I am trying to practice acceptance of this part of myself but this one is tough because it just seems abusive. It seems like the inner critic wants me to be perfect so that nothing bad ever happens, but that doesn’t make me feel any compassion toward it. I guess I need to think about this one some more.

The best I have been able to do is to channel my inner optimist to counteract the inner critic. I’ve needed her a lot the last few days since I’ve been sick at home alone with no one to check on me. Plus now I have two light bulbs out, so my place is even darker than it was last weekend.

So the optimist jumps right in whenever the inner critic talks and says things like, well at least the glass didn’t get in your eyes and blind you. Or you could have gotten cut badly and had to go to the emergency room. And now you have a good excuse to call your friend over to change your light bulbs because he will have to install the microwave, too. So really it all worked out for the best.

Tomorrow I’m going microwave shopping. I’ve talked to my friend and he’s going to come over next Sunday and play handyman for me. And I finally felt well enough today to play tennis and even had dinner with a friend. All in all, after a shaky start, it ending up being a pretty good day.

So take that, inner critic!

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Posted in Mental Health, Self-Acceptance and tagged internal family, Mental Health, mental illness, perfection, self-compassion, self-criticism. Bookmark the permalink.

Positive and Negative Feedback, Part 2

Posted on October 25, 2013 by Christy Barongan

So I turned in my first writing assignment today, feeling all happy and accomplished. I was even fantasizing about how I can put a link in my blog to this article when it gets published. And then I got an email saying that my article has been reviewed and requires rewrites.

As you know, I am not good with negative feedback, so I tried to prepare myself for the worst: What if they say it’s all wrong? Then I’ll just correct it and give them what they want. That sounds easy enough. And then I read the comments.

I have to give the editor credit; that was the most constructive way possible of saying that my article sucked. I didn’t answer the person’s question. I used examples more appropriate for middle-aged women than the teenagers and young adults who read the website. I had one good sentence in the entire article. I didn’t use AP format. I didn’t follow the writing guidelines.

I’m sure she was thinking, did you not read any of the materials we sent you?! I did! I really did. Except for the AP manual. I haven’t gotten it in the mail yet. I really wanted to get started, and I thought, how different can it be from APA or MLA format?

Would it be unprofessional if I wrote “Oops!” in the notes to the editor section?

My first thought was to quit since I obviously have no idea what I’m doing. But then I decided to write myself a pep talk: You work closely with an editor for the first 3 assignments for a reason; you’re supposed to suck. In fact, I bet they give writers that bonus after the 3rd article because some people get so demoralized by all the rewrites that they give up.

Then I worked on the rewrite for several hours. I have another draft but I have no idea whether this version is any better than the first one because I don’t trust my judgment anymore. I guess this is why people are afraid to get their hopes up; the fall is so much higher from the grandiose cloud that I was floating on.

I may not be good with positive feedback, but I am the Mt. Everest climber of impossible tasks. Knitting pattern that is far more complicated than my skill level? I’ll have it done by Christmas. My football team is 2-5? Well, we still have 4 more chances to win! My tennis team is 1-6? I’ll just pretend that we are in our second season, and we’re only down 0-1 in this one.

Sometimes it helps to be a little delusional. If we made all of our decisions based on what we think we are capable of, we may never take the risk of finding out what is possible.

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Posted in Mental Health, Psychology, Self-Acceptance and tagged football, knitting, Mental Health, self-criticism, self-esteem, Tennis, vulnerability, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

The Courage to Be Vulnerable

Posted on October 4, 2013 by Christy Barongan

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There are several messages that I preach in therapy and in presentations, and one is that vulnerability is a sign of strength and helps us feel connected to others. That’s a tough sell in a culture where it’s all about cultivating the best image of ourselves as possible.

Facebook is a good example of this. We can post pictures just of our face so that no one can see how much weight we’ve gained. We can even Photoshop the picture if we really want to look good. We post happy family and friend pictures where we’re doing interesting things and visiting cool places. We post Happy Anniversary or Happy Birthday messages to our wonderful husband/wife/daughter/son, who we are lucky to have in our lives, and they might not be able to read them because they’re not on FB. Or aren’t yet able to read.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m guilty of all of these things, too. I want people to see me in the best light. I want to hide my mistakes, my flaws, my deep, dark secrets.

It has been my goal to write a book for a long time, but every time I start to write I am paralyzed by that voice in my head that says I suck. Who do you think you are, thinking you can write? Like you have anything worthwhile to say. You’re family is going to be mad at you for talking about them. People will lose respect for you once they see how crazy you are.

I am beginning to appreciate how brave it is when writers put themselves out there–their work, their thoughts, their lives–knowing that the world will judge them. But I also have a better understanding of why they do it. It’s because they want to speak the truth. They want to be able to say, this is who I am, and I don’t have to apologize for it–even if they’re cringing as they write it.

I started this blog last week because it was time for me to let people read my writing. At first I was going to write it but not publish it. Then I decided to publish it but not put it on FB. Then I decided I was only going to post the funny, light ones on FB. But that would defeat the purpose of the blog.

This blog is about learning how to accept all of myself, regardless of what other people might think of me as a result. In doing so, hopefully it will help other people do the same. So I’m going to publish this post, too, even though it’s the hardest one I’ve written so far.

P.S. If you’re interested in the idea of sharing your vulnerability, check out Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly.” She also has a TED talk on the subject.

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Posted in Blogging, Mental Health, Self-Acceptance and tagged blogging, courage, Mental Health, self-criticism, vulnerability, writing. Bookmark the permalink.