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In My Head

So remember how I was talking about the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty?  I went to see it because I always liked the short story when I read it in high school.  I could relate to someone who lived most of his life in his head.

All my life people have told me that I think too much.  I thought that as I advanced in my education this would change.  It didn’t.  My classmates in grad school thought the same thing.  My colleagues tell me the same thing.  Not as a criticism–just that they’re surprised that I have so much time to think.

The reason why I can’t fall asleep is because I can’t turn off my brain.  I started that New Year’s post at 4 a.m., despite my best efforts to talk myself into waiting until I woke up.  That I could get up early like a normal person, which would have been a few hours from then, so I wouldn’t even have to wait that long.  But no.  My brain wanted to write the post right that minute.  I was pissed off at it, but what can I do?  My brain has a mind of it’s own.

As soon as I wake up in the morning I want to talk to someone.  That’s one of the hardest things about being alone.  It’s not like you can just call your friends as soon as you wake up and say, hey stop what you’re doing.  I want to tell you about this weird dream I had last night.  Granted, it would be in the afternoon, but still.  They have spouses and children and jobs.  They don’t have time to listen to my dreams and random associations.

Often when I’m walking around the mall or the grocery store or even just turning a corner, I run into someone because I’m oblivious of my surroundings.  I actually have to remind myself that someone might be on the other side of the door so that I don’t freak out.

Remember that whole Waco siege that went on for 2 months back in 1993?  I was in grad school at the time and I had no idea it was happening because I spent my free time watching reruns of the Flintstones and Gilligan’s Island.  After the attack my classmates were talking about it and I was like, what’s going on in Waco?  They were appalled and I was humiliated.

So I force myself to watch the news occasionally so if something happens like a typhoon hits the Philippines or the government shuts down, I’ll know what people are talking about.

But you know what?  Blogging is actually a really good thing for people who think too much.  Even if I have to wake up and pee in the middle of the night and decide to check my stats, that’s kind of crazy, but you sort of have to be obsessive about your blog if you want it to succeed.  And writers are always coming up with subject matter at random times because they’re constantly thinking about writing.

So that’s why I’m writing this blog so early in the morning.  Now maybe my brain will let me go back to sleep.

I think this doodle kind of looks like a brain.

 

About Christy Barongan

I didn't know it at the time, but I wanted to be a psychologist so that I could figure out how to be normal. I think many people come to counseling for the same reason. What I've come to learn is that feeling good about myself is not about trying to be normal. It's about trying to be me. But it's a constant struggle for me, just like it is for everyone else. So I thought I would approach this task with openness and honesty and use myself as an example for how to practice self-acceptance.

9 responses »

  1. I think we're alike in that way, with the whole “thinking too much” part. I know exactly what you mean about obsessing over your blog. You just have to check it every single day, to see how things are going, even if there isn't much activity. Enjoyed the post by the way, and happy new year! ^__^

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  2. Thanks Noor! I figured that writers would be able to relate.

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  3. I think all writers have a tendency to think too much. We spend such a lot of time in our minds that coming out and living in the real world can sometimes be a challenge.

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  4. It's a relief to find that out. I've never committed to writing before this blog so I've never interacted with writers before.

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  5. So does mindfulness and meditation help people like you? I'm of the ADD persuasion, so my challenge is also thinking too much – but in a much more random/fleeting/unorganized sort of way. I see thinking as yet another one of my addictions. Meditation helps me keep all my thoughts (and the thinking itself) in the proper perspective – e.g. my brain is thinking right now…they are just thoughts…I can let them come or go…

    — — — — —

    “The great majority of human beings are literally addicted to thinking. Even the most wretched substance abuser can go a few hours between “fixes,” but most human beings cannot abide even for a few seconds without some sort of “thought fix.” If there's nothing significant to think about, we fill the void with fantasy and trivia.” (Shinzen Young)

    Simply stated, meditation breaks the addiction to thinking. O

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  6. I think that's correct. And research has directly demonstrated that meditation helps with ADHD. The practice of mindfulness is challenging for me. Even though it feels like I'm never able to fetid thinking while I'm doing it, it still seems to work.

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  7. I meant never able to stay focused,

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  8. Wow — I love this! I do some of the very same things — and, also, I'm often out of the loop when it comes to the goings on in the world 🙂

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  9. That's the good thing about blogging. You realize you're not so crazy after all.

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