Solitude

I am about to share with you my most shameful flaw so please don’t judge me. And this post isn’t that funny. But it’s the truth, so I have to say it.

I have been in a relationship non-stop since I was 14. That’s 30 years of relationships, and not just to one person. So no pearls for me. That’s the 30 year anniversary gift, in case you didn’t know. I just looked it up. And sometimes the relationships were slightly overlapping towards the end. And often they were not very good relationships. And I knew this while I was in them, but I stayed in them, anyway.

In my defense, the marriages were both relationships with two very good guys. But that doesn’t guarantee that a relationship will work, as I indicated in my previous blog about whether love conquers all. In case you didn’t read it, then I’ll remind you the answer. It doesn’t.

But most of the other relationships were not very good. I stayed in them because: 1) I’m drawn to guys who need psychological help and 2) I am terrified of being alone and am in need of psychological help. My attitude was that something was better than nothing. Which is helpful when used as motivation to work out, but not for staying in an unfulfilling relationship. I didn’t have any empirical evidence to support this idea that crappy connection being better than nothing, but that’s how fear is. It feels true, even when it’s not.

So in addition to channeling all of my energy into my long-standing dream of becoming a writer, I have also decided to be alone for the first time.

A lot of my married friends say, oh I would love to be alone. I look forward to the times when my husband and kids are not in the house. I, too, appreciated my alone time when I was in a relationship. But it’s different when you go home and no one will be there, and you don’t know if or when someone will ever be there.

It’s different when you could fall and hurt your back and not be able to reach your phone and call for help and people might not notice that you haven’t been around until you stop showing up to work for a few days. Then they would have to send public safety down to find you because you’re not answering your phone.

Or if people will finally notice because you didn’t show up to the tennis match and you’re the captain. And you’re so obsessive that you tell everyone that if they’re late, you will call them until they get there. That’s why I play tennis as much as possible.

That’s not the same thing as having a break from your husband and kids at all.

Last night I tried to change one of the flood lights in my bedroom, but I couldn’t reach it. I tried to use that thingy that allows you to reach light bulbs that are really high up but the floodlight was too big. I probably wouldn’t have been able to get the thingy to work, anyway. I considered getting out the ladder but that would definitely result in bodily injury and/or death. I don’t want to call one of my guy friends and ask them to come over and change one light bulb, so I’ll probably have to wait until several bulbs burn out and exist in semi-darkness in the meantime.

Don’t get me wrong–I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m a very lucky person. I have a loving family and a great group of friends. I can support myself and I love my job. I have a nice place. And I am hopeful that at some point another relationship opportunity will present itself. Still, there’s no amount of self-talk that can change the fact that sometimes it sucks to be alone.

I’m a big proponent of learning how to sit with negative feelings. This is what I tell my clients all the time. I’m often amazed that they start doing it because I tell them to.  They’re better at taking my advice than I am. I’m amazed that I can give them the courage to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, even though they were terrified of doing so. At those times I think, why is it that I can help them do it but not myself? It doesn’t work to be your own therapist, apparently.

But now I’m ready. I’m going to face sadness and loneliness and fear if it kills me. I am going to find out whether or not it’s true that it’s better to be in a bad relationship than none at all. Obviously it’s not true, but like I said, fear is not always logical.

And it’s going OK so far. Sometimes it does suck, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Because when I was in a bad relationship, I still felt sad and lonely and afraid. But I also beat myself up for staying in a relationship just because I was afraid of being alone. It’s much better without that last part.

The thing I miss the most is having someone to talk to–someone to share how my day went, to talk about the book I’m reading, or to share any deep and meaningful revelations I’ve had. Someone to bear witness to my life. But now that I have this blog, I have all of you to listen to me. And that helps a lot. So thank you for listening.

And you know what else? My neighbor called me this morning to check on me because she hadn’t seen me in awhile and wanted to make sure I was OK. I was afraid she was going to tell me she hit my car again. Or accidentally opened my mail again. Or try to get me to come to church with her again. Because those are reasons she has called in the past. But no. She was just checking on me.

I take that as a sign that God is looking out for me.