I Rise

I may fall and fall and fall.

But then, like the Phoenix, I rise.

I am born again.

– Me

I may fall and fall and fall.

I am long overdue for an update. I am so thankful that my existence persists in the minds of my friends, who continue to check on me and send good vibes. But it also makes me feel bad to have to say that things are still…sort of…bad. So I’ll focus on the good news.

Perhaps it is only surprising to me that after 5 months things are still unsettled. In my defense, the decision to move had been a bold step in an effort to let go of everything I had been holding onto and to finally start anew. It’s hard to find that balance between stalling because you think you have time and trying to force things to happen because you think you don’t. The only way I have been able to find balance is by swingingly wildly in one direction, and then equally wildly in the other.

It was almost a year ago to date that I had my gallbladder surgery and my health has improved a lot since then. But my main goal was to get back on the tennis court, and I’m not there yet. While I didn’t get COVID, I had long Covid symptoms that sapped my energy for about 2 months. I am also still coughing even when doing small amounts of exercise, like bringing my trash can up the hill and then walking back down to close the garage door. And somehow, despite not exercising, I have managed to hurt my neck and shoulder and cannot even swing a racket.

But I have some good news. My new pulmonologist thinks that my old pulmonologist was wrong and that I do, in fact, have exercise-induced asthma, so I’m trying a new inhaler. I got my blood work back today, and my lipid panel and autoimmune markers were normal. And I have an appointment with orthopedics next week. So there’s still a ways to go before I can play, but I’m moving in that direction. Hopefully.

I have really been struggling with my job. My thoughts and feelings swing wildly on a day-to-day, sometimes hour-to-hour basis. I am obsessive one day, crunching numbers and changing payment amounts while I lie in bed. The next night I’m citing the Serenity Prayer. The next night I’m uploading my resume and applying for jobs. Serenity Prayer. Fuming with anger and writing anonymous job reviews. Serenity Prayer. You get the idea.

But as of today (yes, today was a busy day) I signed 2 job contracts. One that will allow me to work full-time in Tennessee, and one will allow me to continue to see a handful of clients in Virginia. Together they are so perfect that I am too stunned to fully appreciate how suddenly my job situation has changed. In a rare moment of flexibility, I was able to swing between determination and trust in God with just enough grace to score a win.

It’s funny, before I moved here I was so worried about not making friends, but now that I’m here, it hasn’t really been a priority. But something happened last week that leads me believe that things may be changing. My childhood friend and next-door-neighbor reached out to me out of the blue. I had actually been thinking about her the day before, and then the following day she said she had a dream about me that morning and felt compelled to contact me. Is it possible that thinking about someone makes them think about you? Anyway, she had all of these detailed memories about my family and me and things that we did to mess up our neighbor’s landscaping and get ourselves into trouble. It was clear that she had cherished these memories, so I could not help but feel cherished, too. It was almost like an angel whispering in my ear saying it’s time to make new memories.

The best part of moving to Knoxville has been being close to my family. Especially my niece Sadie. I knew that this part would not disappoint. I knew that it would be good for both of us to be around each other for more than a few weeks out of the year. Yesterday was reminiscent of the days we shared when I would visit over holidays. We went to brunch, did some shopping, sang in the car, and watched a movie. Tonight was a typical night in our new routine. We told each other about the highs and lows of our day. I told her my idea for a blog post. She read me the latest from her short story. She is the girl who I asked to stay 5 years old forever, the teenager who is wiser than her 15 years, and so much more. Although I already treasure every moment with her, I still hear an angel whispering, reminding me to take it in. Remember this. This is why you’re here.

Perhaps it is only surprising to me that after 5 months things are still unsettled. In my defense, the decision to move had been a bold step in an effort to let go of everything I had been holding onto and to finally start anew. It’s hard to find that balance between stalling because you think you have time and trying to force things to happen because you think you don’t. The only way I have been able to find balance is by swingingly wildly in one direction, and then equally wildly in the other.

It was almost a year ago to date that I had my gallbladder surgery, and my health has improved a lot since then. But my main goal was to get back on the tennis court, and I’m not there yet. While I didn’t get COVID, I had long Covid symptoms that sapped my energy for about 2 months. I am also still coughing even when doing small amounts of exercise, like bringing my trash can up the hill and then walking back down to close the garage door. And somehow, despite not exercising, I have managed to hurt my neck and shoulder and cannot even swing a racket.

But I have some good news. My new pulmonologist thinks that my old pulmonologist was wrong and that I do, in fact, have exercise-induced asthma, so I’m trying a new inhaler. I got my blood work back today, and my lipid panel and autoimmune markers were normal. And I have an appointment with orthopedics next week. So there’s still a ways to go before I can play, but I’m moving in that direction. Hopefully.

I have really been struggling with my job. My thoughts and feelings swing wildly on a day-to-day, sometimes hour-to-hour basis. I am obsessive one day, crunching numbers and changing payment amounts while I lie in bed. The next night I’m citing the Serenity Prayer. The next night I’m uploading my resume and applying for jobs. Serenity Prayer. Fuming with anger and writing anonymous job reviews. Serenity Prayer. You get the idea.

But as of today (yes, today was a busy day) I signed 2 job contracts. One that will allow me to work full-time in Tennessee, and one will allow me to continue to see a handful of clients in VA. Together they are so perfect that I am too stunned to fully appreciate how suddenly my job situation has changed. In a rare moment of flexibility, I was able to swing between determination and trust in God with just enough grace to score a win.

It’s funny, before I moved here I was so worried about not making friends, but now that I’m here, it hasn’t really been a priority. But something happened last week that lead me believe that things may be changing. My childhood friend and next-door-neighbor reached out to me out of the blue. I had actually been thinking about her the day before, and then the following day she said she had a dream about me and felt compelled to contact me. Is it possible that thinking about someone makes them think about you? Anyway, she had all of these detailed memories about my family and me and things that we did to mess up people’s landscaping and get ourselves into trouble. It was clear that she had cherished these memories so that I could not help but feeling cherished, too. It was almost like an angel whispering in my ear saying, it’s time to make new memories.

The best part of moving to Knoxville has been being close to my family. Especially my niece Sadie. I knew that this part would not disappoint. I knew that it would be good for both of us to be around each other for more than a few weeks out of the year. Yesterday was reminiscent of the days we shared when I would visit over the holidays. We went to brunch, did some shopping, ran some errands, sang in the car, watched a movie. Tonight was a typical night in our new routine. We told each other about the highs and lows of our day. I told her my idea for a blog post. She read me the latest from her short story. She is the girl who I asked to stay 5 years old forever, the teenager who is wiser than her 15 years, and so much more. Although I already treasure every moment with her, I still hear an angel whispering, reminding me to take it in. Remember this. This is why you’re here.