Category Archives: Relationships

Embarrassing Moments

Posted on April 6, 2014 by Christy Barongan

If you were ever to meet my tennis friends, I guarantee they would tell you about several embarrassing anecdotes involving me being loud and occasionally dangerous. But since you probably won’t meet them, I’ll out myself and tell you what they are.

The first thing they would tell you is that we have to keep going to new restaurants because I get us kicked out for being too loud. It all started when we were going to a Christmas concert and had dinner at a Chinese restaurant beforehand. We were getting ready to leave and I made a comment about why you shouldn’t have sex on the first date a little too loudly, and the owners were not pleased. Luckily, we were already on our way out, so I wasn’t officially kicked out, per se.

Later that evening, we went to Starbucks after the concert, and I swear I thought they closed at 11, but they said they close at 9 and asked us to leave. I’ve often been in restaurants where the staff give you dirty looks while they sweep and put the chairs on the tables, but I’ve never been told that we have to leave. Of course, my friends said that it was because I was being too loud again. Two establishments in one day. This sealed my reputation as someone who you don’t want to take to your favorite restaurant.

The next anecdote involved this Mexican restaurant we often go to after tennis. You know how sometimes the waiters and waitresses will sing Happy Birthday to you and give you a free dessert when it’s your birthday? Well at this place they like to startle you by popping a paper bag and smear whipped cream on your face instead. My friends were on a kick of saying it was someone’s birthday so they could watch this happen.

I had a couple of friends tip me off that I was their next victim, so when I heard the pop, I knew what was coming.  When the waiters came toward me, I stood up so they couldn’t corner me. They tried to grab my arms so I couldn’t move, but I freed one hand and flipped the plate in the air. It flew across the room, about 10 feet away, and the plate shattered, whipped cream flying everywhere. Dead silence. The waiters were so shocked they just turned around and walked away.

Again, technically I did not get thrown out, but my friends used this incident against me, just the same.

The last anecdote involved a New Year’s party shortly after the Mexican restaurant fiasco. My friends were relating this incident to all of the people who did not have the pleasure of witnessing this spectacle first hand. I was trying to defend myself, explaining how the waiters were holding me down, and I demonstrated how I flipped the plate out of the waiter’s hand. Well wouldn’t you know I was wearing this heavy watch, and that sucker flew off my wrist and hit one of my friends square in the forehead. Hard. From about 12 feet away. It happened so fast he didn’t know what hit him until the watch fell in his lap.

My friends had a field day with that one. They joked that the he had 8:30 permanently tattooed on his forehead. He bandaged his head with a fake bump made out of a meatball to show how badly he was injured. Another friend filed a fake lawsuit against me on behalf of the injured party. And even though this happened over 6 years ago, they were talking about it last night while we were at the Mexican restaurant.

There was a time when I would have been mortified by anecdotes like these. I felt like everything about me was wrong, so I scrutinized every interaction after the fact to make sure I hadn’t offended anyone. But now I have friends who know that I’m loud and that if you try to hold me down I might assault you with a deadly watch. But they love me, anyway.

Still, if you ever meet me, you might want to choose your restaurant wisely.

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Let it Go

Posted on March 30, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I love Disney movies. And Disney’s latest, Frozen, is one of my favorites, not only because the music is awesome, but also because it is a story about self-acceptance and love between two sisters.

Elsa is the heir to the throne in the kingdom of Arendale. She has spent her life locked in her room, afraid of her power to create ice and snow, because she accidentally injured her sister Anna when they were children. At her coronation, Elsa’s powers are revealed when she sets off an eternal winter. When she sings the theme song, she is exhilarated that she no longer has to hide her secret. She creates her own palace of ice and snow on an isolated mountain top.

Although Elsa is free from her secret, she still doesn’t want to let her sister into her life. And ironically, in her effort to protect her sister, she accidentally freezes Anna’s heart, which almost kills her. But even then, she still tries to push Anna away, for fear that her powers will do even more damage.

It is not until the end of the movie, when Anna sacrifices her life to save her sister, that Elsa understands that surrendering to love is the answer to controlling her power. She is then able to unfreeze the kingdom and open the doors to the palace.

Tonight my brother called me because he has been depressed and struggling to make it to work. For the first time I shared with him how I had gone through the same thing 5 years ago in an effort to convince him to get on meds and to reassure him that this is not a sign of weakness. He was surprised that I had suffered as he had and that he had not known about it. But it wasn’t his fault, because I didn’t tell any of my brothers about it.

Although I had been on and off meds for several years, this episode forced me to accept that they would have to be a permanent part of my life. As humbling as this was to acknowledge, it was also freeing. But even after I felt better, I still remained in my kingdom of isolation, afraid to let people know.

Writing this blog is the first time I have been completely honest about how dark my depression was. And perhaps sharing my story will save someone else. But in this moment, the most important thing to me is that it saves my brother’s life.

We all have the power to create barriers to keep our loved ones away from the darkness inside us. Yet the real answer is to let go and to bring that darkness into the light.

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Inner Beauty

Posted on March 28, 2014 by Christy Barongan

6655ECA4-615F-4250-ACA1-12AE5BE0F205There’s a lot of talk these days about redefining beauty to include people who don’t look like supermodels. And more of an emphasis on inner beauty, as indicated by the number of FB posts of people with some kind of physical defect.  (“Like” if you agree! Ignore if you’re a terrible person.)

I’m all for focusing on inner beauty, but this tactic is problematic because, by definition, inner beauty is not something that you can see in a picture. I guess we’re supposed to infer that the person is beautiful on the inside, but that doesn’t tell us what inner beauty actually “looks” like. So I’ve been thinking about people who exemplify inner beauty to me.

When I was in grad school I met this guy who had a cappuccino cart in the hotel lobby where I was on vacation. This was the era before Starbucks, so I had never heard of a cappuccino.  He was thrilled to tell me what it was, how it’s made, and what makes it so great. After that, I bought a cappuccino every day while I was there. And it tasted that much better because of how much he enjoyed making them. I thought it was a thing of beauty to see someone who loved their job that much.

I don’t remember what he looked like.

I had a similar experience once while I was picking up a package at the post office, which always annoys me. There was a long line, too. But the woman behind the counter seemed so happy to give everyone their packages that I couldn’t help but smile. I don’t think it was because she loved her job like Mr. Cappuccino; I think that’s just who she was. And there is something beautiful about someone who can be happy, regardless of what they’re doing.

I don’t remember what she looked like, either.

When I was depressed 5 years ago, I had 2 friends who called me every day to check on me. Ordinarily I can talk up a storm, but I didn’t have a whole lot to say when all I had done that day was lie on the couch and will myself to exist. I don’t remember what we talked about, but I remember that they were there for me.

When I was depressed back in December, I hardly saw anyone because tennis season was over, I was off for winter break, and everyone was busy preparing for the holidays. Once again, I had one friend who checked on me regularly, even though she didn’t really know me that well at the time. Occasionally I would venture out of the house and we would see a movie or have dinner.  If it weren’t for her, I could have easily gone weeks without any human interaction.

I am blessed to have such beautiful friends.

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes you have to be there to fully appreciate what it means to be in the presence of beauty.

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Anger

Posted on March 25, 2014 by Christy Barongan

Have I mentioned that I have problems letting things go?

That’s why I obsess so much. And why I stick with knitting projects that make my life miserable. And why I try to make relationships work at all costs. And why I have a hard time forgiving myself.

It’s also why I can hold on to anger for so long. I know some people like anger because it’s more empowering than feeling hurt, but I hate it. It’s downright painful. If I could will myself to let go of anger–or any emotion, for that matter–I would. And even though I know better, I still get mad at myself for not being able to stop being angry.

Recently I had a friend tell me that when you get older you become more forgiving of yourself. That might be true for normal people, but I’m no so sure it’s true for me. Because I’ve heard women say the same thing about being in their 40’s, and I’m pretty sure I’m just as self-critical and guilt-ridden as I was in my 20’s and 30’s.

I am having a hard time letting go of my anger about my last relationship, even though I’m glad that it’s over. I have made a concerted effort to turn to my friends and share how I feel, but in all honesty, sometimes it just makes me angry at them.

Most people aren’t very good at saying helpful things. Which is why I wrote the post on good intentions. I’m trying not to take it personally. Not everyone can be a good listener. I would be out of a job if everyone were. But it’s still frustrating to try to talk to someone about how angry I am, only to feel worse afterwards.

I’ve tried other things, too. I’ve prayed. I’ve meditated. I even apologized for being angry. Which doesn’t make any sense, really, but I was desperate for some shift in the intensity of my anger.

Today I tried 3 new things. First, I gave myself permission to be angry for a day.  Which had the unintended effect of making my anger seem forced and difficult to sustain. Sort of like the whole reverse psychology thing–although psychologists don’t actually call it that.

I also looked at a journal entry from right before the breakup. It reminded me that there were a lot of things that I tried to be OK with because I thought my anger and sadness and anxiety were a product of my neediness. Or a result of being too demanding. Or were figments of my imagination.

Now I realize that I felt those things for a reason.  I’m mad at him for letting me believe that my feelings were my fault. And I’m mad at myself for not trusting my feelings.  But reading that journal entry reminded me that my feelings are always legitimate–even if they don’t make sense at the time. So I have renewed my commitment to honoring my feelings.

The last thing I did was to give myself permission to blog about my anger. I have thought about doing it for some time now but decided against it until today because I thought it would be too negative. Even though I write a lot about negative things, I try to end on a positive note. I didn’t think there could be a positive note to end on in a post about unrelenting anger.

But then I remembered that the point of my blog isn’t to be positive. The point of my blog is to be honest. And my anger is just as much a part of me as anything else.

And you know what? I actually do feel better…for the moment. So blogging about it helped after all.

I don’t really have any art work that reflects anger so I thought I would feature some self-promotional art work instead.

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Good Intentions

Posted on March 17, 2014 by Christy Barongan
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You know that expression “the road to hell is paved with good intentions?” It’s probably slightly overstated, but I think it’s essentially true.

First of all, it’s not often that we have the intention of hurting other people. And when we do, we know we’re being bad. That’s why in an argument you want to think long and hard before you say something cruel. Because it’s not going to work to say I didn’t mean that afterwards. You can’t take it back. Whether you meant it or not, your intentions weren’t good.

In my experience, most of the time when someone uses the good intentions excuse, they were just as concerned–if not more concerned–with seeming helpful. That’s why they get defensive rather than apologize.

I am no exception to this. Especially since I’ve dedicated my life to helping others. So you better feel helped, gosh darn it! And you better appreciate my help!

The other reason people say well-intended but unhelpful things is because they want you to stop hurting, but they don’t know how to make that happen. So they tell you to stop in ways that are sometimes downright hurtful.

Some of my personal favorites are I’m suffering more than you, in response to my first divorce. And well, at least you have 3 other kids, in response to my brother’s coma and possible death that could have resulted from falling out of the car when he was 5.

Some clients are aware of how offensive good intentions can be, so they ask for advice about what to say. I tell them to ask the person directly what they can do. Maybe the person won’t know in that moment, but they know they can ask you for help when they need it. And they’ll know that you care that they’re in pain.

The other thing I tell them is to listen carefully to what the person has to say. This isn’t easy, because most of us aren’t very good at bearing witness to other people’s pain. So you have to practice by being a good listener to yourself. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your seemingly irrational thoughts and unpleasant feelings.

You know all those unhelpful things you say to yourself to try to feel better? You have to replace them with accepting, nonjudmental statements about how it’s OK that you’re upset. That it doesn’t have to make sense. That you don’t have to know the reason why. And that you will be by your side for as long as it takes until you start to feel better.

When we can be good to ourselves in this way, we will have more to offer than just good intentions.

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Wants and Needs

Posted on February 20, 2014 by Christy Barongan

The other day I had a session where I was talking to a client about wants and needs. She said that she knows that she needs to allow herself to be taken care of, but she doesn’t want to do it. I thought that was interesting. How can you not want what you need? But then after I thought about it some more, I realized that there are all kinds of things that people don’t want to need. They are usually the things that bring people to therapy.

Most people don’t want to need other people. That would make them dependent, and dependency is bad. It’s a sign of weakness. There is even a diagnosis called dependent personality disorder. Excessive independence, however, is not considered a problem. In our culture, you can never be too self-reliant.

While I have certainly seen clients who depend too much on others, more frequently I see people who are afraid to rely on anyone, like this client. Which is strange, because in the animal kingdom, humans have the longest period of dependence on their parents. And even as independent adults, we still need other people to have babies, to have jobs, and to survive. Even hunters and gatherers relied on one another. I don’t think anyone would consider them weak.

Despite this knowledge, I have to admit, I don’t like to rely on other people, either. I don’t ask for help unless absolutely necessary. And the flaw that I am most of ashamed of is my need to be in a relationship. That’s why I’m so proud of myself right now for being alone. But the truth is, while I’m not in a romantic relationship, I’m not really alone.

The other thing that people don’t want is to feel. Usually they come to therapy with the hope that I can help them stop feeling. This includes the feelings that accompany disorders like anxiety and depression, as well as normal feelings like sadness after a breakup or loneliness–because that makes you weak.

Like dependency, feelings are also necessary for survival. Without feelings, we would have no signal to figure out what is causing us pain. Without feelings, we aren’t able to empathize with other people. Without feelings, we would be classified as reptiles in the animal kingdom.

I don’t want to be a reptile, but I do get frustrated with the intensity of my feelings. Sometimes they reach the level of depression and anxiety. And then I feel other people’s feelings, too. That’s a lot of feeling for one person to tolerate. And some people do find my feelings overwhelming. I’m too needy. Too sensitive. Too much.

Or maybe they were too reptilian to be able to empathize with me.

I often have to tell clients up front that if what they want is to stop needing and feeling, I can’t help them. Sometimes they transfer to other therapists, which I understand. Who wants to be told that they have to accept being human? But most people stay. When I point out that only robots have the luxury of not needing or feeling, they acknowledge that they don’t want to be a robot.

But it’s surprisingly hard work, this being human stuff. It requires a lot of self-compassion, self-acceptance.

Which is why I started this blog.

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The Best Valentine’s Day Gift

Posted on February 15, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I’ve gotten a lot better at this being alone thing. But the one thing I have dreaded is today, Valentine’s Day. The day that singles people everywhere are told that they suck. It’s the first time in a long time that I have no one to celebrate it with.

Despite all of my declarations about how I was no longer going to subject myself to the media’s brainwashing after the Aqua-Fresh toothpaste incident, I still want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Yes, its a made-up holiday, but so what. It’s an excuse to eat chocolate, go to a nice restaurant, give and receive gifts. It’s a chance to celebrate, and I’ll take any excuse I can get to celebrate.

But I’ve been trying to put this disappointment in perspective. When I was married, both husbands forgot Valentine’s Day one year, and that really sucked. So it’s not like being in a relationship guarantees that you’ll have a good Valentine’s Day. To be honest, most of them haven’t even been that memorable.

In fact, the gifts I remember the most are the ones from my dad. When I was younger he always bought a heart-shaped box of chocolates for my mom and me. I had the smaller box, of course. And last year he gave me this beautiful necklace with a gold heart pendant that says “For my daughter” on one side and “You are my pride and joy” on the other side. What guy can compete with that?

And the best card I’ve ever gotten was from my baby brother, Romeo.  I was 16 at the time, and I was talking to a friend on the phone, lamenting the fact that I wasn’t going to get anything for Valentine’s Day—not even a card.

Then for some reason I was talking about my fears of death and getting old, which I told you about in a previous blog.  Romeo was playing on the living room floor, seemingly oblivious to my conversation.  But when he heard me talk about getting old, he stopped playing and said that he was afraid of getting old, too.  He was 9 at the time, so maybe the fear of aging runs in my family.


A few minutes later, Romeo came running down the hall, telling me that he made a card for me. I had forgotten how quickly you can make a card when you’re a kid. It was made with blue construction paper and a red crayon. There were some hearts and a Happy Valentine’s Day on the front. And inside he wrote that I didn’t need to worry about getting old and that he loved me. Or something to that effect. I wasn’t able to read it very clearly, what with the tears and all.

After that I understood why parents prefer the cards that their kids spend 5 minutes making over the cards that their kids spend 5 minutes buying at Hallmark. I have received many Valentine’s Day cards since then, and that one is by far my favorite.

Maybe it’s good that I was alone on Valentine’s Day this year.  My solitude has given me the opportunity to realize that I’ve never been alone on Valentine’s Day.  I’ve always been loved and always will be loved by my family.   And there’s no better gift than that, really.

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Starting Over

Posted on February 7, 2014 by Christy Barongan
In my post on breakups, I talked about how sad it is that at the end of a relationship, someone who you once loved and chose to spend the rest of your life with could become someone who you hate and don’t recognize anymore.  How can both of those things be true?  Was this other person always there, lurking beneath the surface of the person you thought you knew?  It’s hard to reconcile. 
 
But then sometimes those two people who hated each other are able to put the past behind them and try again.  I am all about forgiveness, but if someone hurt me that badly, I’m not sure I would be able to give him a second chance. 
 
First of all, there’s the issue of trust.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I can be too trusting.  However, once I have been wronged, I never forget it.  And every time I remember what they did, I get upset all over again.  Starting over would require leaving all of those past grievances behind, and I’m not sure my memory and my obsessive nature would allow me to do so. 
 
Then there’s the issue of whether I could trust my judgment.  If I thought I knew the person the first time and I was wrong, how would I know if I were reading the person accurately now?  Ordinarily I’m pretty good at reading people.  But sometimes I can be in denial–especially if knowing the truth would mean letting go of the relationship.  Could I trust that I would go into it this time with my eyes wide open?
 
Granted, sometimes it’s not about an error in judgment.  Some people are really good at hiding.  But that’s scary, too.  If he fooled me before, would I know if he were hiding now? 
 
And then there would be the opinions of other people.  Which I know you’re not supposed to care about, but I do.  Would they think I’m foolish for giving him another chance?  Even if they didn’t tell me that they disapproved, I would know.  I would feel it.  And it would be hard for me to share anything about the relationship with them.  I would feel ashamed, even if I were trying not to care about their opinion.
 
Despite these reservations, If I had to make a prediction about what I would do, my guess is that I would give it a shot, because I’m an optimist.  That’s what allows me to cheer for a losing team and to believe I can come back in a match when I’m down 0-6, 0-5.  I believe in miraculous comebacks.
 
Sometimes people are afraid to try again because they’re afraid to get hurt again.  That doesn’t usually stop me.  If they hurt me once before, it’s not like it would be some big shock if it happened again.  And if I survived it the first time, I could survive it again.  And then I would know for sure that it can’t work. 
 
Plus, no one can predict the future.  No one knows for sure what will happen.  Love requires a leap of faith.  Yes, you may fall, but without taking that leap, you never get anywhere.
 

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Addiction

Posted on February 6, 2014 by Christy Barongan

I’ve been thinking a lot about addictions lately. I have never been the addictive type.  My history is so clean I would have made a great political candidate, if I didn’t dislike politics so much. But Richard Rohr, my spiritual guru, says that everyone is addicted to something. So I’m trying to be honest with myself about what that might be.

At times my hobbies have been like addictions. When I first started knitting, I would crank out so much stuff that I made all my Christmas gifts in a month and still had scarves to give away. Same thing with making jewelry. I sold a lot of what I made, but all my profits went towards buying more beads.  And I can sing Karaoke for hours. I hosted a small Karaoke party over the summer and we sang for 6 hours straight.

But knitters tend to be fanatical bunch. Jewelry makers can be, too. And for a Filipino, my Karaoke usage is average, at best. Plus these hobbies tend to go in phases. I’m in a knitting phase now. I would describe my interest in these activities as obsessive rather than addictive.

The next addiction candidates would be tennis and sugar. These two things are a consistent presence in my day-to-day life, and I cannot imagine living without either of them indefinitely. Giving them up would require some kind of intensive inpatient treatment program, and even then the probability of relapse would be high.

But playing tennis and consuming desserts has not significantly impaired my functioning, and I’ve been able to cut back. I am only playing 3-4 times a week to prevent injury. And I don’t eat 3-4 desserts a day any more. So I would classify myself as a heavy user but not an addict.

As I was thinking about this post, one of my FB friends messaged me and asked me to write something about codependence. And that’s when it hit me: I am addicted to unhealthy relationships. Ostensibly because I want to help people, but needing to be needed is a form of addiction, too.  In the post on solitude I talked about how ashamed I feel for tolerating so much crappiness to avoid being alone.

Based on my experience as a therapist, I know that many people have the same problem. Often clients come in for a relationship addiction. Their friends and family are sick of listening to them. They know they should break it off, but they can’t. They live in secrecy because they’re still in contact with the other person. If someone came up with a detox program for unhealthy relationships, they could probably make a fortune.

I guess in a way I have completed my own self-imposed detox program. And for the first time in 30 years, I did not use another relationship to ease the pain.  I rank this accomplishment right up there with defending my dissertation. Maybe even higher.  Because after my dissertation I got depressed because there was nothing left for me to accomplish. But as far as relationships are concerned, it’s all up from here.

Interestingly, I started this blog right before the breakup. It wasn’t conscious, but I guess at some level I decided that the energy I was investing in my relationship would be better spent writing. And blogging helped me tremendously during the breakup process. I don’t think I could have made it this far without it.

So until someone comes up with a detox program for unhealthy relationships, I would highly recommend intensive blogging as a treatment strategy.

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Friendship, Part 2

Posted on February 3, 2014 by Christy Barongan

Warriors in Training

When I was in grad school, I didn’t have many visitors because it was a long drive and there was not a lot to do in the middle of Ohio. So I saw my family and friends infrequently, and every time I said good-bye I felt this overwhelming sadness–and not just because I wouldn’t see them for a long time. I was also sad because when I was with them, I was completely myself, and I rarely felt free to be myself.

Part of the problem was that the feeling of being different followed me well into my adult years. I wasn’t like the other grad students. I watched reruns of The Flintstones and Gillian’s Island rather than keeping up with what Koresh was doing in Waco. I wasn’t spending 70-80 hours a week on grad school stuff. I didn’t listen to the right music, didn’t hang out at the cool coffee places.

I moved around a lot during that time, too. While I was with my first husband, we moved almost every year because he was never happy where we were–which turned out to be more about him than our location. Still, I didn’t mind the excuse to not get too close to anyone.

When I finally moved back to Virginia and became a part of the tennis community here, I was a little freaked out. There was no way I could avoid being a part of the gossip, what with my failed marriages and all. Plus, I only dated tennis players, so everyone knew who my partners were. I had no place to hide; giving up tennis was not an option. I had to let people know what I was really like.

Of all the gifts that tennis has given me, my tennis family is the best one of all. These are the only other people who I can be myself around without obsessing afterwards about what I said or did. They have seen me throw up on the court. They’ve been there when I’ve gotten kicked out of restaurants for being too loud. They don’t judge me for always being hungry and constantly having to pee. They don’t expect me to make anything for potluck dinners because they know I can’t cook. (But I do bring the Karaoke and board games.) They even indulge my grandiosity by calling me the Queen of the court.

Often the feedback I get about my blog is about how honest I am. In an I wouldn’t do it, but good for you! kind of way. I’m tired of hiding. I spent the first half of my life trying to be like everyone else. I want to spend the second half being myself.

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