When I was in grad school, everyone talked about how important it was to have good boundaries. At first I thought, boundaries? What are those? I guess that was a sign of how far I was from having any.
In my defense, Asian cultures have a different definition of boundaries than American culture. For example, it’s perfectly acceptable for any Filipino adult to tell you that you’ve gained weight and that look fat now, that you should have a baby, or maybe you look fat because you’re about to have a baby? No? OK then you’re just fat. This is one of the downsides of having all of those aunts and uncles that aren’t actually related to you.
These kinds of conversations are difficult for many people, and this is where therapists are supposed to be helpful. In assertiveness training, you learn how to say things like, when you say I look fat, it makes me feel ashamed and unattractive. Or in boundary setting, you say, I’m not comfortable with having this conversation.
However, in Asian cultures, you are expected to be respectful of your elders, so they can say whatever they want to you, but you really don’t get to say whatever you want to them in response. I have found this difficult to explain to my therapists. Sure you can! Just tell them. No big deal. Just stand up for yourself! Except… it is a big deal.
In fact, it’s because of this power differential between children, even adult children, and authority figures, that people engage in passive-aggressive behavior. You’re not allowed to say, well you’ve gained 20 lbs. too! So I guess we’re both fat. Instead you might do something like, ask in your most sincere voice, how is your son doing? The one who got a DUI? Is he out of rehab yet? Such a shame. He had so much potential. He was pre-med, right? Then they get to be the ones who feel bad about themselves.
Another option is to be completely avoidant and not go to any Filipino functions. Which I did for several years. Or leave early, carefully planning an exit strategy about when to leave with your therapist in the session prior to the party. Or hide in some room somewhere with your nieces and nephews because they won’t make you answer rude questions. Just grab your food and drink and make a brisk walk for it, so you don’t spill anything. Or at least that’s what I have to do, because I spill food and drink everyday. This is actually the route that I’m more likely to take.
This weekend I am going to a mandatory family gathering. Since it’s so hard for all of my brothers and me to come home at the same time, my parents have decided that they are going to force us all to come home for my nephew’s birthday, and no amount of inconvenience is an acceptable excuse.
I’m nervous about it because my dad keeps asking me if I’ve lost weight (I have not) and if I’m taking the appetite suppressants he gave me (I am). I talked to my brother this weekend and my dad is telling him the same thing–that he’s fat and needs to eat less. I think this sudden interest in our weight gain is because he has gained about 20 lbs., but like I said, I’m not allowed to point that out.
I am sure that there is some way to set boundaries even in Asian cultures, but I haven’t yet figured out how to do so. So I’m just going to grab my food and drink and hide out in the TV room and play with my niece, who is giving me bunny ears in the picture below. My nephew is the one giving bunny ears to a cousin.
P.S. When I went to this party, everyone had read my blog on Facebook so they told me I looked good. I didn’t look fat at all. So that’s one way to set a boundary. Start a blog.
