What does a person have to do to get some sleep around here?!
The blog post was originally written on September 24, 2013. You can read the ordinal post here.
My Story Podcast
I think of my story as a journey rather than a story of recovery because it’s a lifelong process, filled with ups and downs. The blog post can’t be read here.
Gift-giving
I’ve been having moments of synchronicity lately. According to Jung, moments of synchronicity are meaningful coincidences that signify an opportunity to cultivate a deeper connection between the mind and the universe. They often occur in times of crisis and are opportunities for growth.
Most of my moments of synchronicity involve people with whom I am having similar epiphanies. We are going through similar crises, and we are using our self-awareness, our talents, and our minds to find out how to make the life that we want happen.
For example, I was going to write a post on gift-giving the other night, but a book that I’ve had on hold, The Serviceberry, by Robin Wall Kimmerer, became available. I saw that the book was only 2 hours long, and I’m behind on listening to 4 books a month, so I thought I’d knock it out to try to get back on track. I wasn’t sure what it was about, but I loved Braiding Sweetgrass, and she was featured in one of my meditations when they were focusing on gratitude that week. So I was confident I would like it.
Talk about synchronicity! In the book, the author differentiates between gift economies, which are based on the philosophy of abundance and promote gratitude, reciprocity, and community. Which is exactly what I was going to write a blog post about. She compares gift economies to economies that are based on scarcity, which result in competition, hoarding of resources, and surrendering our values so that we actually harm what we love.
A good example of this would be toilet paper at the beginning of the COVID pandemic. Even though people had no idea about anything related to COVID, they figured they better go out and buy all the toilet paper that is available in their local grocery store. And maybe some other grocery stores nearby.
And even after people found out that COVID does not cause GI difficulties that result in a need for extra toilet paper, thereby making it unnecessary to hoard toilet paper, it was still hard to buy toilet paper for months. Because the attitude was, screw all of you! I’ve got my toilet paper so I’m going to be OK if I have COVID because I beat you to the punch!
By the way, the CDC advised against going to the grocery store and buying all the things in a state of panic. But what do they know? It’s a dog eat dog world out there!
In contrast, when Hurricane Helene hit North Carolina in the fall of 2024 so badly that it wiped out all the roads and no emergency personnel could reach rural communities, these communities shared what little resources they had with one another until they could get help. Gift economy.
Kimmerer, who is Potawatomi, gives an example in which someone says something to a man in their tribe like, why don’t you make preserves out of the berries so you can have some for later? In reply, the Native American gentleman says something like, I store the berries in the belly of my brother. Because what good does it do me to have more berries than I need if my brother is hungry? The non-Native American thought Native Americans weren’t very smart and that they probably aren’t going to survive. (Which is true historically because of the Trail of Tears.)
Kimmerer also gives an example of how in an economy of scarcity, we take something like water, which is freely given by Mother Earth, and turn it into something scarce by polluting it. For example, some companies dump their waste into water reserves so that it is no longer safe to drink. So now the only way to have water that is safe to drink is to buy bottled water. Except everyone can’t afford to buy bottled water. Or food, for that matter.
In fact, when there are natural disasters like hurricanes, people go out and buy all the bottled water in every store they can get to and hoard it, just like they do with toilet paper, now that I think about it.
If you’e interested in reading this book yourself, Kimmerer is donating all presales of the book to organizations that protect and restore land.
What I was going to share about gift-giving is that I realized that turning my blog into a book is only the first step of doing what God wants me to do to fulfill my purpose. The book will allow me to have an opportunity to promote its release by providing workshops that will be called Normal in Training: Teaching Adults How to Rest and Play.
Because they already know how to work. In fact, that’s the problem with enjoying life in today’s world. We spend so much time making money to survive if you’re poor, or accumulating wealth if you’re rich, that we don’t spend enough time resting and playing.
But to live a full life, according to one of those weekly meditations I mentioned earlier, this Native American spiritual leader said that in their culture, work, rest, and play are all equally important. I don’t know about you, but I think that’s pretty brilliant. Which is why I decided to give these workshops.
In the workshops, my co-author and I will present our unique knowledge bases. My knowledge base relevant to the workshops is positive psychology, therapy, mindfulness, and self-compassion. My co-author’s knowledge base relevant to the workshops is service dogs, art, publishing, organizing presentations, and wisdom, since she is 76 years old.
We’ll explain why rest and play are important to prioritize mental health and allow you to enjoy your life rather than to work until you die.
Or why it’s important to do things now instead of wish you could do them if you had more time.
Or to decide that in order to take care of everyone else, you have to take care of yourself first.
Or to decide that the money you were going to spend on upgrading your Mercedes Benz might be better utilized on something that gives you time to connect with yourself, to the people you love, and to something greater than yourself–like nature, or another culture, or whatever you like to take a deep dive into.
And then we will start the activities, which will be like an adult version of a day in kindergarten. Because we’re healing our inner child by letting that child rest and play.
The morning will be divided into 3 types of workshops, depending on the skills that my clients have in the city that the workshop will be held in. They will include: 1) something related to art, 2) something related to bodily awareness, and 3) something related to self-awareness.
There will be several options in each category to choose from. And if you want to do more than one, luckily for you, they will all be streamed and participants will have access to the recording as part of their registration fee.
After lunch, there will be afternoon workshops that people can pay extra for. They will vary from city to city, based on what my clients and I use to self-regulate. They will include things like short yoga sessions, massage sessions, stretching sessions, mindfulness coaching, pickleball lessons, singing lessons, creative writing lessons, UGC creator lessons, and acting lessons.
Since no one is required to do anything they don’t want to do, there will be a quiet room in case people are overstimulated. There will be pop-up stores that my clients own. There will be food for breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, a mid-afternoon snack, and an optional dinner that participants can attend to get to know other people in the workshop.
The food will be provided by clients who started their own business or by local vendors who are trying to compete with big businesses.
You can also choose to spend your time asking local vendors about their yoga studio, massage studio, pickleball club, mediation center, pottery studio, knitting/crochet group, etc.
There will be a local bookstore where people can buy our book, Neurospicy and Thriving, as well as books that my co-author and I think are important to read.
There will be a local craft store where you can buy supplies for a beginning art project, and one of our art experts will help you get started.
There will be a store where you can make your own emotional first aid kit. This tool kit is essential for self-soothing once you have become dyregulated and you’re thinking brain has gone off-line.
There will be a place where you can download free art into a book, a magnet, a mug, or whatever you want. You will only have to pay for whatever it costs to make the item, and you can make a donation for whatever you think that item is worth.
All participants will also have the program in which every vendor will have an ad so that if they decide later they want to use one of the vendors that was at the workshop, they will know how to contact them.
Even clients who don’t have a store or a skill yet all want to start learning how to do something that they’ve always wanted to do but never made it a priority, like knitting. So that when the workshop comes to their city in a few years, they can lead the workshop on learning how to knit. It is making my clients step out of their comfort zone and do all the things they’ve always wanted to do but never had the time or the courage to try.
I also tell clients that their presence in the workshop alone is proof that we can all learn how to enjoy life. Because when they tell their story about where they were when they started therapy and how they got to where they are now, participants are going to be like, whoa! It’s really possible!
This is an example of a gift economy. You give based on your talents, and what you receive is even greater than what you give. Because that’s how reciprocity works.
But we’re not giving to receive. We’re giving because we want to help other people who felt just like we did in our lowest moment, so that they know that it can get waaayyy better. And we will all show you how to do it. You will have lots of options and choices.
This workshop will be coming to a city near you. But first we have to finish writing and publishing the book. And then, you are all going to learn how to thrive. If you want to. No pressure. You have free will.
So stay tuned!
P.S. This was in my meditation the night I wrote this post:
More synchronicity!
It’s Not Me. It’s You, Part 2
Eleven years ago I wrote my first blog post about anger. That was a tough one to write about because I felt so ashamed of my anger. That I had it at all. That I couldn’t control it. That it didn’t make any sense. And I was angry that when I tried to get support, whatever people said wasn’t helpful.
I didn’t say specifically in the post what my friends said, but since the same thing is happening right now, I’m guessing it was something like, stop being angry. You’re making me uncomfortable. Go over there somewhere so I don’t have to feel it.
I’m not one to attack someone. But if you attack me by telling me something like I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m just a psychologist and you’re a physician, you should start running now.
Because this is what my dad told me when I became a psychologist. Stuff like, because you’re just a sorry ass psychologist instead of an M.D., you can’t even afford a Mercedes Benz. Because that’s what’s important in life.
He has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Bipolar Disorder, trauma, and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Ironically, the TBI is because he was trying to save his Mercedes Benz when it was rolling down a hill backwards and he jumped in to hit the brakes.
These conditions are all examples of Autism. Or Neurodiversity. Or as I like to call it, good ol’ neurospiciness.
Neurospicy people become very easily dysregulated and have a very difficult time knowing what to do to self-soothe. Because they have no idea what they are feeling or what’s triggering them.
Recently I’ve been told 3 times by 3 different physicians that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I am a psychologist and not an M.D. At least that’s how I heard it. But it’s certainly possible that it was something like that and I got triggered and then became dysregulated. Because it was traumatic, hearing that over and over again.
Anyhoo, it inspired me to look up stats on ChatGPT related to clinical psychologists and physicians. Did you know that the percentage of people who say they want to be M.D.s and succeed in doing so is only 6%? So physicians are also neurospicy, but on the opposite end of the spectrum, toward the brilliant end.
Being brilliant is technically “abnormal” too, based on statistical infrequency. But since we value brilliance, we don’t call it a disorder. Disorders are just for things that people do that we don’t like.
It can all get kind of political, really. So I prefer not to pathologize anyone. I tell my clients that we are all just human beings, being imperfect, feeling all the feelings on the spectrum of humanity, doing the best we can trying to figure out how to do this very hard thing called life.
I couldn’t find an equivalent stat for licensed clinical psychologists, but the closest one was that only 7% of the people who apply to research-based clinical psychology Ph.D. programs are accepted. However, you still have to defend your dissertation and pass the licensure exam. So 5%, maybe? Also neurospicy individuals.
People with NPD like my dad are too ashamed to admit to any vulnerable feelings, especially hurt and shame, so they project them onto other people. It’s not me! It’s you! And then they get angry and want to beat it out of you.
When one of my brothers was learning his multiplication tables, my dad was inexplicably enraged that our younger brother, who later turned out to be a genius (also neurospicy), could learn them faster than he could. So my dad told my multiplication-deficient brother that if he didn’t learn them by the time he got home, he would be in trouble. Because there’s nothing like the fear of punishment to enhance someone’s capacity to learn.
Not surprisingly, he couldn’t learn them in the next few hours. So my dad yelled at him, which I could only hear from the other room, but it was enough to make me cry and remember to this day. Then he took him into the bedroom and beat him, which was far worse than whatever I could hear.
When we were young adults, my dad was reflecting on this incident, perhaps out of guilt, and his excuse was that he was afraid that our brother might have a mental disability. Because when our mom was pregnant, she and 2 other female residents in medicine got the measles or something, and the 2 other mothers had children with cognitive disabilities.
Decades later, my dad tells me in a rare conversation of vulnerability and honesty that he was teased for being stupid and “retarded” because he couldn’t read. Which was because he had dyslexia, but that term probably didn’t exist back then. His dad beat him and screamed at him so loudly that all of the neighbors could here it because in the Philippines they don’t have windows.
My therapist thinks that he thought if it were his genes that made my brother have difficulty learning, that would make it his fault. I never really understood why couples argue about whose side of the family this “problem” comes from. It’s not like you get to choose your genes. Or your family, for that matter.
When you don’t want to identify with the aggressor, you think, I’m just never going to get angry. I’m going to be this semi-human stoic superhero! So instead, their anger goes underground. Their drill sergeant and inner critic tell them to “toughen up,” “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” and carry on, as mentioned in the blog post written by a previous client.
Women also have to suppress their anger because it’s frowned upon in women. Just look at what happened to Elphaba. So instead you try to be a people pleaser and blame yourself for everything. Which is ideal for narcissists.
I think it would be much better if we empowered each other by telling people what they’re good at rather than making people feel bad for not being what you want them to be. But it takes more effort to empower than it does to judge.
But trying not to get angry doesn’t work. You may say you don’t feel it, but it’s coming out, anyway, in ways that you don’t even know about. That’s the kind of denial in passivity. Your anger is hidden from you, but you feel very hurt and undeserving.
I had 3 men angry at me yesterday. The first one actually thanked me when I explained to him that I would rather him tell me that he’s hurt so that I could apologize right away. I told him that anger and hurt go together. That often people prefer to identify with one but not the other, so the other one goes underground. So in reality, we’re hurt and angry at the same time. So he and I are good.
But I was so paranoid after he told me that I hurt him that I sent a flurry of texts, checking to see if I offended anyone, apologizing to everyone just in case.
My partner blamed me for repeating what he said because that’s not what he meant to say and I should have known what he meant before he took 20 minutes to explain it and why are we still talking about this! I’m just going to leave.
So I was like, well, OK, but…can I give you your Christmas gifts since we may never see each other again?
But he called to check on me tonight. So that’s something. He has ADHD so he’s neurospicy.
With my brother, I initiated the conversation because of the aforementioned paranoia. I apologized for being passive-aggressive and saying mean things that he doesn’t deserve to hear. I’m just going to own up to my anger and be honest so that I stop making snide comments.
It turns out he was waaaaayyyy angrier at me and has been holding a grudge against me for something that happened over 4 years ago. Because I didn’t know he wanted me to help him put my kitchen table together. Because he didn’t ask me to. I should have known without him having to say it. I was just weaponizing my incompetence to waste his time, which I clearly thought was less valuable than mine. So APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED!
Whoa!
Please, people, if you’re feeling hurt or angry, just tell the person. You’re not benefiting anyone by trying not to feel. If he had just said, come help me so that I can show you how to read instructions for furniture that comes from China that are on one page with no words, and the parts come in bags that don’t correspond to the numbers, and the “instructions” are arrows, I would have said, good idea!
By the way, I found this out right before I had to lead a meditation. I was honest about it and said hey, I’m dysregulated and I may cry, but I’m glad we’re meditating together.
Then I got my massage, but it was essentially a therapy session, because I had to pull myself together somehow since I was about to see my partner, my brother, and his wife. I wanted to give her a good tip for just listening and giving me a hug because it was essentially a therapy session with a light massage for self-soothing and connection. Which was exactly what I needed in that moment.
But then, when she tried to run my card, for the fifth time in the past month, some hacker associated with Al-Qaeda had tried to use both my cards that day. If you have an Apple credit card, they will automatically reject even the smallest suspicious activity and change your number on the spot. So I used that card.
But for the other one, I had to call my credit card company again and have them re-issue a credit card again. But you can’t call them back from the number from which they called you. You have to pull out your credit card, look at the back, and call the number for U.S. cardholders.
And they ask you really stupid questions about stuff that shows up on their side but not yours and ask you if you can see it, even though they just told you that you can’t. As well as things like, did you make a purchase a week and a half ago for $6 using Apple Pay? And then they say, OK we’ll send a new card out to you in a few days. So I hope you have another card or money in your bank account!
I did this credit card call prior to getting ready for our dinner party. Because I was crying and hysterical, my partner asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. My drill sergeant was like, yes, you do! You have to make this work! So at first I said yes. And then I thought, no. I don’t have to do this if I don’t want to. I can do whatever I want. So I called them to say I wasn’t up to it and to apologize.
Then I talked to my sister-in-law, since my brother was obviously furious with me, and I told her I had to cancel dinner. I was so upset I couldn’t do it for them. I had grand plans of using fancy china. I had put up my Christmas decorations. I was going to move my space heater to wherever they were sitting because the last time they were at my house they were cold.
My partner had already been cooking for over an hour. And because they asked him to prepare a meal rather than hosting us, for weeks he had been planning out the meal, trying to pick something they would like, and trying to make everything perfect, even though he has ADHD.
I hadn’t even gotten through the list of all the horrible things that had happened to me that day so far. But she thought this was a good time to tell me that I’m out of control, too loud, and too argumentative. And that I should seek psychiatric help. And go back on the meds that made me get surgery for GERD, throw up on the court, give up tennis, sing horribly, and wreck my vocal cords.
She’s a pediatrician. My brother, too. I asked her some differential diagnosis questions about mania, and she admitted that she didn’t know the criteria. But she still knows better than I do about what I need.
Apparently, they had been talking to my best friend behind my back and they all decided that this is what’s best for me. Because over Thanksgiving, when I got into an argument with my brother, because he told me I didn’t know what I was talking about because I was a psychologist. And I hadn’t talked to my best friend in over 2 weeks. So none of them had any idea about the horrible things that had happened before this horrible day. Because they don’t bother to check on me, even though they were obviously concerned. Unless this counted as their check-in.
I was blindsided and confused. Had they been holding on to their feelings about the argument since Thanksgiving? Is that why she had to tell me at that very moment, no matter how poorly timed it was? Was my apology to my brother interpreted as anger and argumentativeness? Had their plan been to come over and ambush me during dinner?
That added the most horrible thing to my list of horrible things that day.
By then, I was so dysregulated that my partner was confused by what they could have said on the phone to make me so upset. Seeing me in that state caused him to become dysregulated. Because it reminded him of what it was like when his family argued, and he just wanted to make it all stop.
So we argued for several painful hours, unable to connect and enjoy each other’s company, no matter how hard we tried. Even though we hadn’t seen each other for weeks. And he is leaving for home tomorrow to celebrate the holidays with his family.
And I never even got to eat dinner.
Still, I advocated for myself on the phone. I addressed every issue that she brought up one by one. I told her that I checked in with every person to ask them if they were bothered by my behavior, and they said no, it didn’t bother them. They think I’m great. I told her I’ll talk to my therapist, and if she thinks I should talk to my psychiatrist, I will. I have an appointment with her this week.
But she said that wasn’t good enough. Because I guess they’re the ones who were bothered by my behavior. She trusts the psychiatrist who we share, who is an M.D., and has known me for about 4 years and sees me every 6 months, more than she trusts my therapist, who is a clinical psychologist that I have seen routinely for the past 26 years.
Neither of them are in therapy because they don’t have any problems. She even went out of her way to tell me they have a good marriage. Which was also confusing, since I had no idea what that had to do with me needing to see a psychiatrist.
Those are 2 of the 3 physicians I referenced earlier.
The other interaction with a physician happened during a gathering that was specifically organized so that all my friends in Roanoke could see me. I did something similar with him that I did with my brother over Thanksgiving. I gave him evidence that he’s neurodivergent on the brilliant end after an impromptu question to ChatGPT about how many people who start off pre-med graduate pre-med. Because even though I didn’t know the answer, I know from 19 years of working in a counseling center that the answer is, not many.
ChatGPT said 16%. And I said it in the exact same way–loudly, in an argumentative manner, and angrily. Because he said dismissively, you psychologists think everyone is neurodivergent.
I also told him that our current administration and the majority of Americans are clearly not neurodivergent, based on the current laws and lawsuits.
His reaction was to tell me that everyone loved me and he wanted to give me a big kiss. Which was also confusing and disorienting, but not dysregulating.
I also texted his wife the next day, who had hosted the party for me, to ask her if I was out of line. Because even being really happy can be dysregulating. She said not at all. I love your energy. You’re so smart and I learn so much from listening to you. And I love having someone to scream at the TV with me during a UVA game.
To “support me,” my best friend and partner told me not to be mad that they’re mad that I’m mad because they really care about me. To me, that sounded a lot more like supporting them.
So after a whole day of crying yesterday because nobody wanted to listen to me or believe me, and everyone projecting their anger onto me–except my friend who thanked me for the insight–I decided to take a self-care day today, talk to my therapist, and take a break by distancing myself from my stress, like my family suggested. And they are the only stress I am dealing with at the moment.
And I’m writing this blog post. Because that’s what I did in that last post on anger and I said it helped. This one is helping, too, by giving me something else to focus on. Because taking deep dives into something is also a form of self-soothing for someone with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (also neurospicy).
Don’t Give Up Hope. Change is Always Possible!
My life has changed since I read the book Divergent Mind. And since I’ve been reading Unmasking Autism, which the same Autistic client in a Ph.D. program recommended, my brain is on fire. I can feel the neurons making connections. I need less sleep. I can juggle multiple projects at the same time. I am using more of my skills, and they keep getting better. Every session has become exponentially more effective. I am in love with my life, honored and excited to fulfill God’s plan for me. Which is to free people from the prison of having to mask in a neurotypical world.
And, eventually, to learn how to fly. Like Elphaba and Neo–my two favorite neurodivergent characters.
And I am still regulated, (i.e., practicing self-care, self-soothing).
I thanked my client in session yesterday. I told her that all this change has been made possible because of her. Because she was the one teaching me about what Autism looks like in adult women, I felt I had to do my due diligence and take a deep dive into neurodivergence myself. Since I’m the one who is supposed to be helping her. But every good therapist knows that clients sometimes teach you as much, if not more, than you teach them.
I told her she changed my life for the better and clarified my purpose. So spreading this message of neurodiversity must be part of her purpose, too, since she is very effective at it.
She was pretty happy to hear this.
My client Dee, who is co-writing the book Normal in Training, has also been changed for the better by the realization that she is neurodivergent. She is also writing a blog about how this realization has helped her thrive. She’s 76 years old. As we were talking about the book a few days ago, we both mentioned that we felt smarter, if that’s possible. And it is. I’ll explain why at the end of this post.
While I was reading Unmasking Autism, the author, Devon Brice, was talking about how some of the most serious psychiatric disorders like Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are often misdiagnosed because those people are neurodivergent, and the symptoms overlap. Even though he is not a clinical psychologist, he is an Autistic social psychologist and therefore knows how to take a deep dive into any topic. And everything he said about the differences between these disorders and Autism is true.
I was one of those people who was misdianosed. Because the first psychiatrist I ever saw, who I have frequently wrote about because he was so lacking in empathy, diagnosed me with bipolar II even though I was in a depressive episode when he met me and he had never actually seen me in a hypomanic episode. (And never did see me in one.) Just because my dad and one of my brothers are Bipolar I. (Now it’s actually 2 brothers, but I didn’t realize that when I was 40.)
Luckily, with the help of my therapist encouraging me to advocate for myself with my current psychiatrist, who kept putting me on antipsychotics that were turning me into a zombie, in our next appointment my psychiatrist asked me if I thought I was bipolar. Although I told her repeatedly that I didn’t think I was in the past, I simply said no. And she finally agreed and stopped the antipsychotics and put me on a different antidepressant. And I started getting better right away. After a year and a half of intense suffering.
And I still haven’t had a hypomanic episode. Even though she’s seen me in my current state. Which, admittedly, looks pretty similar to hypomania if you don’t know all of the ways people can be neurodivergent.
And since she was brave enough to reconsider my diagnosis, as soon as I read the part in Unmasking Autism about Bipolar Disorder and BPD being misdiagnosed, I left her a message in the portal saying I think she should read these 2 books so that she can make a differential diagnosis between these conditions and Autism.
To be honest, I didn’t expect much because psychiatrists are at the top of the mental health hierarchy. So why would she take advice from a lowly clinical psychologist? Even if I do know my stuff. And her stuff, too, actually.
But she did listen to me. She ordered the books right away. I know because she left me a message saying she’d look into it. And then later left me another message asking me if she had the authors correct.
So now I think even more highly of her for being humble enough to know she doesn’t know but is willing to learn.
In addition to being able to know what your strengths and weaknesses are once you realize you’re neurodivergent, there is another reason why change is possible at any age, regardless of how many times you have failed, or how many diagnoses you have. It’s called neuroplasticity.
Neuroplasticity means that the brain is capable of being rewired. So even if you are neurodivergent, which means you were born with your brain wired differently, or your brain has changed due to head trauma or aging, it is still possible to rewire your brain so that you can function in a neurotypical world.
It takes a lot of work, time, and commitment, but most of the steps are accessible to you. They are:
- Self-care
- adequate sleep
- healthy diet
- movement
- connection
- pleasurable activities
- a spiritual practice that focuses on connection with yourself, others, and something larger than yourself— like nature, the universe, or God (not necessarily religion, in which messages can be twisted by humans for evil purposes)
- Self-soothing
- something that engages all 5 senses
- sight: e.g., something pretty
- smell: e.g., aromatherapy
- sound: e.g., a playlist
- touch: e.g., a hug
- taste: e.g., a treat
- mantras: e.g., I can do hard things. I want to practice gratitude (vs. I should be grateful).
- gadgets: e.g., fidget spinners, stuffed animals, weighted blankets, heating pads, squishmallows
- something that engages all 5 senses
- Mindfulness
- Self-compassion
- Therapy (but make sure you feel a connection with them while choosing one)
- Medication (especially if you’re constantly in fight/flight/freeze/fake (mask), have low energy, sleep all the time, stop eating, feel apathetic, and/or have meltdowns or uncontrollable anger)
- Creativity (because we forget how to play, like children)
- Meaning and purpose (so we know that we have the power to make things happen)
- Surrounding yourself with people who exemplify the kind of person you want to be (perhaps starting with your therapist)
This is possible at any time, at any age, and at every reset. You just have to commit to it. Do these things, and you will first feel mentally stable. And then you will thrive. I promise.
Why Wicked Has Become My Favorite Movie
I have a big announcement to make. Since 1999, my favorite movie has been The Matrix. In fact, I have referenced the scene in which Neo can read the code at the end of the movie 7 times in my blog. Well, 8 times if you include this post.
In addition, its themes of how we are destroying the earth, the rise of AI, the power of our thoughts in shaping our reality, and the importance of letting go of our fears so that we can fly are additional reasons for why I love this movie.
Moreover, from a cinematic perspective, the choreography of the fight scenes is still amazing. The chemistry between Neo and Trinity is palpable. This was the first movie to use the 365 degree camera, which made the special effects revolutionary and still entertaining to this day, despite all of the advances in CGI.
The movie Wicked shares many similarities to The Matrix.
- Both movies portray neurospicy people who sense that there is something wrong with the world that they live in and feel uncomfortable in it.
- They are both singled out for greatness and come from another world to save this new world–a common theme in many of my favorite movies like Kung Fu Panda, The Lego Movie, Avatar, and Star Wars.
- They both have amazing cinematography.
- They both have amazing choreography.
- In both sequels, the protagonists fly.
- In the end, both characters die. Sort of. (See Matrix Resurrections below.)
- There is a lot of chemistry among the cast. The cast of Wicked has even been teased in the media of being codependent.
The reasons that I now have to bump Wicked up to #1 are fourfold:
- There were more choreographed scenes in Wicked.
- In the genre of musicals turned into movies,
- the singing in Wicked is as good as the musical. Unlike Les Miserables, which also had A list actors, but they did not match the vocal powers of the singers in any musical version and was therefore a disappointment to most Les Miz fans.
- The choreography was better than in the musical Wicked, because on Broadway you have to be able to sing, dance, and act, while a movie can pick people who are just great dancers.
- The chorus was larger, since movies can have a bigger cast.
- The orchestra was much larger than what an orchestra pit under the stage of a theater can hold.
- (I realize these subcategories are cheating in terms of saying the reasons are fourfold, but they all refer to musicals turned movies and therefore need to be grouped together.)
- The sequel Wicked: For Good is even better than the original, and Wicked, Part 1 was awesome! The Matrix, on the other hand, far outshined the other movies in The Matrix Trilogy. Although The Matrix Resurrections is my second favorite movie because it is the most similar to the original movie and also adds the theme of alternative universes, in which there are 3:
- The universe in which Neo has created a popular video game called The Matrix and Trinity is a soccer mom.
- The universe of the original Matrix
- The universe in which the new Agent is controlling Earth, which is a different Matrix.
- While those who have freed themselves from the Matrix are clearly neurodivergent, the movie Wicked has become a tribute to neurodivergence.
- It has a diverse cast.
- It highlights the ways in which people who are different are ridiculed, bullied, traumatized, and terrorized.
- Neurodivergent people are turned into villains while the true evil people mask as heroes who are doing good for their communities.
- Neurodivergent people have compassion for other people, animals, plants, and the earth instead of being motivated by self-interest.
- Neurodivergent people feel compelled to do what’s right, even if it means risking their lives.
- Neurodivergent people tell the truth, sometimes bluntly, even if their honesty will be used against them.
- (Again, sort of cheating, but for the same reason.)
The movie Wicked is a proclamation that neurodivergence (differently wired brains) is not only good, but it actually makes the world a better place. We cannot evolve without neurospicy people who push us to be better versions of ourselves and of what humanity can be, if we let them. So thanks to everyone involved in the making of Wicked. And for reminding us that the neurospicy people of the world truly add flavor to what would otherwise be a bland existence.
This is How I Roll
One of the differences between tennis and pickleball is that in tennis you get to be all matchy-matchy. Some women in pickleball wear cute outfits, but they don’t feel the need to match from head to toe and buy multiple pairs of shoes. In tennis, even the professional men on tour like Alcaraz and Sinner match, right down to their socks and shoes.
One of my neurospicy characteristics is my OCD, so I always made everything match down to my underwear, even before I started playing tennis competitively in my early 30’s. I am a little less stringent about matching now, since I work from home and all people can see is the very top of my blouse. And I hate folding clothes so they’re just piled in a huge jumble on my guest bed. And I don’t want to spend time sorting through the pile to make sure I can find a pair of underwear that’s going to match my bra and go with my outfit.
But now that I’ve started playing tennis again, my desire to match everything has come back with a vengeance. Last Monday, I decided to wear everything in 2 shades of purple for pickleball–dark purple (my favorite) and a lighter, lavender color. I debated on whether I wanted to go so far as to get my matching purple jacket and my matching purple gloves. Would people think this is too much? A bit over the top?
Ever since I have embraced my neurodivergence, I have changed. Before, I was training to be normal, like Neo being trained by Morpheus in The Matrix, since he was reborn into the real world. I didn’t trust myself. Do I really have power? Can I really be myself? Am I really all that? Neo asks himself this question over and over again, seeking reassurance from Trinity, the Oracle, and Morpheus. The Oracle tells Neo that he’s not ready. That he’s waiting for something. Morpheus says that he needs to believe. He can only show him the path, but Neo has to walk it.
In the end, there are 2 things that help Neo realize that he’s the One. First, he believes that he can save Morpheus and risks his life doing so. Second, Trinity tells him that the Oracle told her that she would fall in love with the One, and she loves Neo, so he can’t be dead. He needs to get back up and fight. So he does. And then, suddenly, he can read the code, and he destroys the Agents effortlessly.
If you haven’t watched the Matrix, I’m sorry I spoiled it for you. But in my defense, it came out in 1999. And if you haven’t watched it yet, what are you waiting for?! This is one of the greatest movies of all time! They just made two references to it in the musical The Book of Mormons, which my family and I watched yesterday. That’s how relevant it is!
But I digress.
Now that I understand what neurodivergence means, which is that some people’s brains are wired differently, I know what my superpower is. I can feel people’s neurodivergence. I have to think about their particular skills, recalling pervious sessions with them, including details they mentioned but we never focused on. The recognition of their neurodivergence, however, is instantaneous.
When I explain to people what their superpowers are, they begin to thrive almost immediately, knowing deep down that what I’ve seen is true. Just like Morpheus knew that Neo was the One.
By the time we have our next session, they have already come up with new ways to self-soothe when they become distressed. This is the biggest problem that neurospicy people have–the neurotypical world traumatizes them on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. But once you know how to self-regulate, you no longer have to be depressed, anxious, or have a meltdown for extended periods of time. You can do whatever you need to do to self-regulate.
And then you can thrive. Because they know themselves better than I do, once they’ve been shown how to read the code, they fly. Just like Neo. And they, too, become the Ones.
What does all this have to do with me dressing up in 2 shades of purple from head to toe, including my underwear, socks, and outerwear, you ask? Well, I no longer care what other people think of me. I’m going to do whatever makes me happy. And if you think this picture of me is too matchy-matchy, too bad. Because from now on, this is how I roll.
And this is what my bed of clothes looks like. And I still have one more load to do. Which I just put in the washing machine.
Good Coaching
A few weeks ago I wrote a post on what it means to be an athlete vs. being athletic. I had decided to ask other people to weigh in, and I’m glad I did because their feedback gave me a lot of food for thought. They also helped me to feel more like an athletic athlete, rather than an unathletic athlete, even though I’m 12 years older, had hip replacement surgery, and am having to learn how to play tennis all over again.
For me, the next obvious question is, what is it that good coaches do to make these less athletic people so useful? I’ve always been fascinated with the question of what makes a good coach, and in particular, whether a good coach needs to yell in order to be effective. So I asked people again for their feedback, and I thought I would share you what hard core sports fans, coaches, and loyal readers had to say.
Luckily, one coach answered the yelling question directly for me. She said she rarely yelled because she never responded well to yelling when she was a player. I don’t respond well to yelling, either, because of my family history. But maybe some people prefer to be yelled at? Please feel free to to weigh in if you do and help me to understand.
One characteristic that several people agreed upon is that a coach needs to be a good teacher and leader. This includes being inspirational, being knowledgeable about the subject matter, whether or not they were at the top of their sport as an athlete.
Richard Williams, the father of Serena and Venus, knew nothing about tennis or coaching and somehow blazed a trail for two of the greatest female tennis players in the most unconventional way possible. Check out the movie if you don’t know the story. Will Smith got an Oscar for portraying him. But then he punched Chris Rock at the Oscars and that became the focus, unfortunately.
But I digress.
A good coach’s lessons go beyond the techniques and strategies of the game and can be translated into lessons that prepare the athletes for life and are based on core values. In the last blog post I mentioned Tony Bennett’s 5 pillars: humility, passion, unity, servanthood, and thankfulness. This year, UVA’s football coach Tony Elliot is now undefeated in the ACC, the Cinderella story of the college football season so far. His core values are character, humility, work ethic, skill set, and passion for education. Fairly similar core values, don’t you think?
Others identified attunement to their players as an important characteristic. Good coaches are good listeners. They have empathy for their players. They know their players well enough to maximize their talents, keep them motivated, and have the foresight to help these individual players perform better as a team so that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
A couple of people suggested that coaches focus less on wins and more on developing players into citizens who will have the skills to navigate the ups and downs of life and thrive.
I find this interesting in that coaches and commentators are always saying how coaches are so perfectionistic–coaching to the very end, even if they’re up by 30 points. Paying attention to the things their players still didn’t execute well. But I guess this is an example of being less focused on the win. A sloppy win is not as valuable to a coach as execution, focus, discipline, and following directions.
I agree with all of these attributes about team coaches. As many of you know, I believe Tony Bennett is the best coach I’ve ever seen. Any commentator who mentions him talks about how he is as good of a human being as he is a coach. His character is never separated from his job.
Josh Heupel was also mentioned as a good coach. If you don’t know about the Tennessee Volunteers, I will tell you that they totally buy into the college team mentality and value their college sports over their professional teams. They are not about making college sports into a business and were upset when their star quarterback last year sold out to a lesser school for the money.
Pat Summit, the renowned female basketball coach who led the Lady Vols to eight national championships is still highly regarded here, long before people took an interest in women’s college basketball. Her record is second only to John Wooden, who has 10 national championship titles. So Tennessee fans value coaches who care deeply about their school, their teams, and their players.
I’ve had the unique opportunity to have 2 female coaches: one in voice and one in tennis. All of my previous voice teachers were male, and very few of my tennis pros were female. With my voice coach, she is so attuned to my body and the quality of my voice that she asks me to make these subtle changes in how I vocalize, like she’s diagnosing the problem. She has even gone so far as to research breathing disorders to figure out why I don’t exhale when I’m singing.
Much of our work has been similar to my work in mindfulness and working with clients who have experienced trauma, as I mentioned in a previous blog post. She is also able to use my strengths to help me get better at the technical areas that need improvement. For example, if I focus on opening my mouth or sticking out my tongue to get a better quality sound, when I apply the techniques to a song I sound worse than usual. I can’t access feelings about the song and how it feels in my body and focus on techniques at the same time. So yesterday she suggested that I pretend I’m singing a song and walk around while I sang the scales. And it totally worked!
My tennis coach is very good at giving me one thing to focus on that ends up solving 3 things that I’m doing wrong. I’ve always had a problem with hitting my forehand too early. While many instructors, and my ex-husband, have pointed it out, no one has told me how to stop doing it. Once I tried using the timing of the sound of the ball bouncing and when my ex hit the ball. And guess what? She told me the timing should be bounce-hit. Maybe I just think that’s brilliant because I thought of it myself, but she is the only one who gave me something specific to focus on other than just saying don’t swing too early.
My tennis coach acknowledged that sometimes people just look at what the stroke looks like and not the idiosyncrasies of what the person may be doing. Shortly after saying that, the boy who was receiving a lesson next to us was grunting, and she asked him why he was grunting. His instructor then asked him if he was, in fact, grunting, and the boy admitted that he was. The instructor then asked him why and the boy said he didn’t know. And then he resumed the lesson without addressing the grunting.
Which I thought it was hilarious.
So even in individual coaching, the same principles apply. Coaches are highly attuned, good listeners, pay attention to details, are flexible and willing to try different strategies. I’m not anywhere close to winning anything in tennis at the moment. And I don’t even know what that would mean to win in singing. But I know that I am learning a lot more than just how to sing and play tennis again.
Guess What? I’m Neurodivergent!
I see a lot of women diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood because they had managed to compensate and succeed with considerable effort, despite having the disorder. It took a while for adults with ADHD to be noticed at all, since the stereotype of ADHD is the boy who can’t sit still in his seat and runs to the window when an ambulance passes by. But it’s even more difficult to diagnose in women because they usually don’t have the hyperactive symptoms that lead to recklessness, impulsivity, and sensation-seeking.
Now in the literature the same phenomenon is happening with people on the autism spectrum. In fact, Autism, ADHD, and Bipolar Disorder are all a part of a larger category called neurodivergence. If that word calls to mind the movie or novel Divergent, it’s actually kind of fitting. People who were different in some way were isolated and seen as a potential danger or threat to society. Not so different from what many people think now.
What’s strange, though, is that many of these women who show traits of being on the spectrum want to be formally diagnosed with Autism. I would explain to them that it wouldn’t really benefit them now because they are adults, and they no longer get accommodations, IEP’s, early intervention programs, and other resources that neurodivergent children can take advantage of. But after reading Divergent Mind, now I do. They wanted to know that their experiences are a known entity with a label and that other people share their sensitivities.
Because I have so many of these clients, I decided to read the book Divergent Mind. And it literally blew my mind. Like, I could feel the neurons in my brain firing, making connections between bits of information I have gathered throughout my life. It was like the equivalent of runner’s high, but a kind of intellectual high that you get when you have a Eureka moment. Or like Neo in the Matrix when he could finally read the code.
Nerenberg describes neurodivergence as simply cognitive differences rather than mental disorders. And there are lots of characteristics of neurodivergence that aren’t considered abnormal but make it difficult for people to navigate the world, nonetheless. Often they are diagnosed with depression or anxiety, because living in a neurotypical world sucks the life out of them. Or they are in a constant hypervigilant state.
The geniuses I went to high school with (you know who you are) are also neurodivergent. But since it’s not a bad thing to be brilliant, no one includes them in this category.
I kind of figured my whole family was neurodivergent, because half of them have bipolar disorder and the other half have anxiety. Some of them have both. I have known for some time that I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) because I read The Highly Sensitive Person decades ago.
In particular, I have mirror synesthesia. I can’t watch horror films because when someone’s arm gets cut off with a chainsaw, it hurts my arm. And I don’t like reading or watching anything that depicts the Holocaust in great detail, because their pain overwhelms me.
I also have a sensory processing disorder (SPD). My brother once told me I had supersonic smell. I don’t like the tickers on ESPN because I get distracted by them and stop watching the game. I don’t like hugs. I’m constantly adjusting the volume on the TV because music makes it louder.
I have insensitivities in proprioception, which means I have difficulty judging my body in space. Consequently, I have bruises all over my arms and legs and have no idea where they came from. Or perhaps because of my sensitivities I don’t have enough bandwidth to calculate my dimensions in space.
I have the same problem with interoception, which is why hunger and depression feel the same to me. And anxiety and having to pee feel the same. I tighten all my muscles when I’m concentrating even if those muscles aren’t needed when I’m playing a song with one finger on Duolingo.
None of these things are necessarily disorders. In fact, Nerenberg refers to them as potential superpowers—IF someone can learn what their sensitives are and learn how to self-sooth when they feel overwhelmed.
Medication and therapy can be helpful, but another possible resource that I didn’t know about is occupational therapy (OT). An occupational therapist can help you identify what your sensitivities are and develop specific coping strategies so that you don’t become overwhelmed and shut down, melt down, or stay in fight/flight/freeze.
After I found this out, I told all of my clients about this resource. Even clients who have stopped seeing me, perhaps because I couldn’t help them with their sensitivities. And I have to say, because I now recognize what my clients’ sensitivities are, or at least recognize that they become dysregulated because of some sensitivity, I feel like the knowledge itself has also become a superpower.
As a result, the mindfulness book that I told you I was going to write is going to specifically address people on the spectrum. Because mindfulness is about being more aware of what’s going on inside you and around you. While everyone can benefit from mindfulness, perhaps people who are on the spectrum who don’t want medication and/or therapy can read this book and learn how to develop tools on their own that can help them thrive.
So stay tuned! Reserve your copy today!
Just kidding. It’s going to take a while.
But definitely check out Divergent Mind!
