Tag Archives: divorce

Can Love Conquer All?

Posted on November 4, 2013 by Christy Barongan
Can Love Conquer All?

My first writing assignment was accepted for publication!  Woo hoo!  I have to say, this is a lot like writing papers for English classes in college–something you wouldn’t think someone would willingly subject themselves to for a measly $2.50 an hour. But I’ve written a lot for free, so if you think of it that way…

Here is the link to the article: Can Love Overcome Any Obstacle in a Relationship?l

I did not write any personal information in this article, so I will give you some background on how I came to the conclusion that love is not enough to overcome any obstacle in a relationship. 

My first husband and I were very much in love.  I’m not sure I will ever love someone else as much as I loved him.  The odds were stacked against us. He used to refer to himself as a poor, half-breed bastard, but neither of us was the type of person to shy away from a challenge.  There were many people who thought that our relationship wouldn’t last, but there were also a lot of people who thought we were the ideal couple. We worked very hard to save our marriage, but in the end love wasn’t enough.

It was a sad lesson to learn, since I have always been a romantic. I believed that differences in race, class, religion, and family background didn’t matter, that stereotypes weren’t true, and that even if you had a crazy childhood with lots of traumatic events, you could still have a healthy relationship as an adult as long as you loved each other. And maybe those things are still possible, but they haven’t been possible for us.

But I’m not sorry that we tried. I’m not sorry that we got married. I believe that love is a gift, and there are no guarantees that you get to keep any gift forever. Some people never get to experience the kind of love we had, and I got to have it for 12 years. And for that I am still thankful.

And I am open to the possibility of loving someone like that again.  I am not going to close my heart off because of how painful it was to lose him. Love may not be enough to conquer all, but it is still worth fighting for.

elegant man and a woman standing next to a bicycle with flowers in the basket
Photo by Abdurrahim Israfilov on Pexels.com

5 Comments

Posted in Relationships, Self-Acceptance and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Children

Posted on October 28, 2013 by Christy Barongan
Children

One of the few perks of being middle-aged is that people stop pressuring you to have kids. I still get the occasional, “you never know: my mom had me when I was 45,” but for the most part people have stopped asking. Not being married helps, too.

Along with the divorces, not having kids is another thing that makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong with my life. You’re supposed to have kids–the Bible says so. And if you’re a scientist, then evolutionary theory says so.  In my defense, I did try. Or at least I didn’t try to prevent pregnancy. But I am relieved that I didn’t get pregnant.

It’s not that I don’t like kids. I love kids. I would rather play with the kids at a party than have to interact with the adults. And I’m really good at playing with them, too. I get all into it. It’s not hard, since a part of me is really still a child. I even have a name for my inner child. I call her Sophie. She is part of the internal family I mentioned in one of my first posts.

I know some of you may be thinking I’m crazy right now, but the truth is we all have parts of us that almost seem like separate people, and they don’t all see eye-to-eye. That’s why we can argue with ourselves about why we’ve stayed in this terrible relationship for so long. Or why we ate that entire sleeve of Oreos. I am sure you can think of at least one time when you were absolutely dumbfounded about why you made such a terrible decision. And you probably cursed yourself for doing so, too.

Anyway, Sophie gets along really well with my niece, who is 7.  In fact, just this weekend my niece wanted to pretend that we were sisters. However, the adult in me finds this level of intensive play exhausting, and I can see why parents go to bed so early. Perhaps the reason why I am a night owl is because I don’t have children.

Even though this is not where I thought I would be at 44, for the most part I am OK with it. Sophie got to carve a pumpkin with two of my other nieces when I went to BSG. And I got to introduce my youngest niece Sadie, to football this past weekend.  And she had a great time, even though we lost.

In fact, this post is dedicated to her because she asked me to write about her.

 

 

2 Comments

Posted in Psychology, Relationships, Self-Acceptance and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Divorces

Posted on September 26, 2013 by Christy Barongan

I was married once. Ok, twice. Twice unsuccessfully. And I have to say, it kind of hurts your feelings to have 2 divorces. One is ok. Normal, even. Two starts to look bad.That’s why I have decided never to get married again. I have not gone through the legal steps to officially get divorced. That way if I ever have the crazy notion that I want to get married, I’ll have to do a lot of stuff first.

Admittedly, there are other reasons I haven’t officially gotten divorced. I don’t think that it’s up to the court to decide when my marriage has ended. I felt like it ended when I bought my own place. And at that point we no longer shared any property or bank accounts. But I do still have some of my stuff at his house because my place is so small. I guess if someone ever moves in with him I’ll have to rent storage or something. But I don’t have to obsess about that today. Although I was about to.

Also, it costs money to get divorced, and despite being a professional, I am just making it month to month. I suspect I must be doing something wrong since the average salary for an entire family is less than what I make, but that is for another post. If we got divorced I would have to pay for it all because he didn’t want to get divorced.

This last reason is irrational, but whatever. People do all kinds of irrational things. Even psychologists. Even though I already tell people I have two divorces, it’s different in my mind to actually have two separate slips of paper saying you’re divorced. They’re not even full sheets of paper. And it’s not anything important looking like a certificate. Like when Homer Simpson got a certificate and a stamp that said Not Insane after he was released from the mental hospital. I love that episode! Maybe they should give you something like that when you get divorced so you know it’s important.

In fact, the slip of paper looked so unimportant that the first time I got divorced I threw the thing away. But then when I was getting married again I found out that you actually need that little slip of paper, so then I had to get a copy of it. Which I did keep this time. Although I have no idea where it is at the moment. But that’s OK, because I’m not getting married again.

Despite my claims that this slip of paper is not important, I don’t want two of them on my record.  It’s like having two strikes against you. Two reminders that you have not been able to successfully maintain a marriage. And who needs that?

However, if my unofficial ex were ever to ask for a divorce because he wants to get married, I would do so. That way he would have to pay for half of it.

7 Comments

Posted in Relationships, Self-Acceptance and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.
←
Newer Posts →