Tag Archives: resilience

The Unathletic Athlete, 12 Years Later

In my last post, I mentioned in passing that I considered myself an unathletic athlete. But the truth is, this hip recovery journey has helped me re-evaluate my unathletic status.

Just for kicks, I thought I’d ask my readers what they thought made someone athletic. The most common response was “you are definitely an athlete!” So thanks for that, for those of you who submitted that comment.

As far as being an athlete goes, some said that just engaging in physical activity or being on a sports team is sufficient. But you could still not be very good. Therefore, it is possible to be an unathletic athlete.

So what makes someone athletic?

Athletic skills were broken down into 2 categories: 1) physical qualities like being fast, fit, having hand-eye coordination, strength, agility, and balance; and 2) mental qualities like being fearless, competitive, and having excellent concentration.

Only 2 people made a distinction between being an athlete and being athletic, and their comments were the most thought-provoking.

One person said that an athlete is someone who contributes positively to their team, even if they compete individually. Being athletic, on the other hand, is someone who possesses qualities like the ones listed above. As a coach, she said that now she sees so many more ways that less athletic players can contribute to a team than she used to.

For me, this calls to mind Tony Bennett, UVA’s former head coach. He purposely picked less athletic players who were willing to earn their spot, work hard, and bought into his team philosophy. Even in his hey day no one thought he could ever win a national championship without great athletes. But he did.

Another person said that being athletic meant having the drive to challenge yourself to get better, a willingness to learn and to be coached, and a willingness to be a team player.

According to him, Jamie Tartt, who is seemingly the most athletic member of the fictional AFC Richmond soccer team on the show Ted Lasso, is not athletic because of his ego, his individualistic attitude, his lack of humility, and his unwillingness to be a team player. Although he learns how to be athletic. So it’s not just innate talent.

This definition also calls to mind Tony Bennett’s 5 pillars: 1) humility, 2) passion, 3) unity, 4) servanthood, and 5) thankfulness.

Consistent with those definitions, Carlos Alcaraz is known for his speed and shot arsenal, but also plays with tremendous joy. He even celebrates when his opponent hits a great shot. And that’s part of what makes him great.

Coco Gauff worked on her new serve with her new coach during the US Open—arguably the most important tournament for any American player. She could have played it safe and waited until the off season. Instead, she double-faulted her way through the tournament, sometimes through tears. And won a lot of matches, nonetheless.

I have to say, after this little experiment I feel way more athletic than I did before! And I was already feeling pretty athletic to begin with, because it turns out that having arthritis at such a young age is a result of being athletic.

My rate of recovery was also in the top 5% because I did the pre and post-op exercises they recommended. I always take pride in being a good student.

After 6 weeks post-surgery, I was already playing pickleball decently. And even though I air-balled 95% of the balls when I tried to hit on the ball machine 3 weeks ago, last weekend I was able to hit the majority of the balls with placement. And my serve was pretty good. So I must have some physical skills.

In terms of mental fortitude, I have always called upon my inner warrior in a losing battle, my inner Buddha when I’m feeling anxious, my inner Federer when I’m playing spastically, and my inner Nadal when I need relentless positivity.

As a team member, I try to get the best performance out of my partner. In fact, if they play well and I don’t, I still consider it a win. And if we go into a tiebreaker, I consider that a win. But some of my friends think that’s delusional. Although they secretly do it, too.

The research for this post was so interesting that you can expect another chance to participate soon!

Client Spotlight: Meet Dee

“They”

I am currently working with a client who is smart, funny, irreverent, and inspires me so much that I asked her if I could write a blog post about her. Dee is 73 years old and entered therapy for the first time 2 years ago during the pandemic. Although Dee knew that she needed help since she was a teenager, she was not given the opportunity to go as child because her mom didn’t believe in therapy. As an adult she didn’t have insurance until she started receiving Medicare. Nevertheless, she didn’t resign herself to a life of suffering and sought therapy when it became an option.

Therapists often say that they learn as much from their clients as clients learn from them. Here are some of the things I’ve learned from Dee:

  1. If you live long enough, you will probably experience trauma. Dee lost her dad when she was 15 and her mom was not able to help her navigate her grief. As a result she turned to her first boyfriend for support, only to lose him to a motorcycle accident, thereby doubling her grief. After that she had several more relationships with men who were bad for her in different ways–several of whom were outright abusive. Trauma inevitable if you live long enough. It would do us all some good to give ourselves permission to get help when we need it.
  2. Change is possible if you work hard at it. Even though change is possible, it isn’t probable unless you really want it, and most people don’t like change. Dee is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, trauma, and binge eating, and these conditions were exacerbated with the isolation of the pandemic, as it was for many people. The turnaround she was able to experience in improving her condition in a 2 year time frame is remarkable.
  3. A long life is a sign of resilience. Without access to therapy, Dee unknowingly created her own treatment to cope with her suffering: she began a business working one-on-one with individuals and families to train their own service dogs. These dogs were trained to the same high standards as national service dog organizations – a process that took 1-3 years. Partnering with her clients, she trained autism, medical alert, psychiatric, and mobility service dogs. And she was really good at her job. She found a way to combine her passion for dogs, the need for social connection and self-soothing, and with her need to make a living.
  4. Growth is always possible. In addition to focusing on ways to address her depression, anxiety, trauma, and eating issues, our work focuses on developing spiritual growth, gender identity, and intellectual and creative interests. Dee often talks about how lucky kids are today who have labels like transgender and nonbinary so that they don’t have to force themselves into a category that doesn’t fit. In the last few weeks Dee has begun exploring her identity as a lesbian–literally trying on new clothes, joining Facebook groups, and giving herself the opportunity for the social connection that she has gone without for her entire life.
  5. You can teach an old dog new tricks. Less than a year ago Dee decided to take up painting, even though she had never done it before. In that short amount of time, she has her work shown in several local galleries and has sold several of her paintings–one of them to me! Dee recently decided to use her art to bring awareness to social justice issues by linking some of her pieces with information related to causes that are important to her. I encourage you to check out her art work at http://fullcircleartworkx.com. The painting above is a self-portrait that explores the commingling of masculinity and femininity that she entitled They. I bought the piece below, entitled Heartfelt. Which I find poetic because Dee told me in a session that she always knew that she would fall in love later in life, and she did–with painting.
“Heartfelt”

Trauma and Resilience

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So I’m at this conference on mindfulness, trauma, and addiction right now. For some reason, I seem to be drawn to these topics. Just like for some reason, I seem to be drawn to guys who’ve been traumatized. And to therapy, in general.

Actually, I think I know why. It occurred to me earlier this year that my interest in trauma may be more than just intellectual curiosity. I am always “jokingly” saying that I was traumatized by my some of my past relationships. I have mini-flashbacks. I shut down when people yell at me. I have an exaggerated startle response.

And I had anxiety attacks during the presentations on trauma at this conference. Yesterday afternoon I had to take an Ativan because I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t go back to the conference today; two days of listening to examples of my relationship history were all I could tolerate.

Still, like my clients, I look back at the events of my life and think, was it really that bad? There are lots of people who had it worse than me. But the more I learn, the more I realize that everyone has experienced some trauma.

In my case, having a parent with a mental illness was traumatic. Having a spouse with a mental illness was traumatic. And coping with my own mental illness while I tried to help the people I loved with theirs was also traumatic.

I was reminded during this conference that many therapists have experienced trauma. Helping others is a way to have a sense of mastery over our past. That’s why it seems depressing to most people to spend all day listening to other people’s problems, but it isn’t to us.

You would think that realizing that I have been traumatized would make me feel bad about myself, but the opposite is true. Instead of thinking that I’m weak and pathetic because I get overwhelmed easily and shut down and can’t function, now I think, look how awesome I have coped with everything! I kick ass!

In fact, resilience, post-traumatic growth, and grit are the new darlings of positive psychology. Some people thrive in the face of traumatic events. Sometimes they even find a way to turn it into something good–usually by trying to help other people.

For example, the student organization that I supervise, Active Minds, was founded by Alison Malmon, whose brother committed suicide while he was a student at the University of Pennsylvania. He had not told anyone that he was suffering from schizoaffective disorder, including his family. Alison recognized that many students probably lived in secrecy like her brother did, so she created Active Minds, whose goal is to raise awareness and reduce stigma about mental illness on college campuses.

Let me make clear that I am not in any way saying that everyone should be able to overcome traumatic experiences if they try hard enough. Some of it is luck. I have many resources that other people do not, for which I am thankful, but I didn’t do anything to earn them.

Still, for me, finally acknowledging that I have lived through traumatic experiences doesn’t make me feel broken. It actually makes me appreciate how strong I am.